SAN FERNANDO, CA — The Gomez family is back on the market for a new church after learning their home church was full of sinners.
Babylon Bee
New Evidence Suggests Noah’s Wife Was Steering The Ark When It Hit Mount Ararat
WORLD — Leading theologians have uncovered new evidence that when Noah’s ark hit Mount Ararat, his wife was likely steering.
9 Lesser-Known Healing Miracles In the Bible
The Bible is full of fantastic accounts of healing miracles where people were instantly cured of leprosy, blindness, and even being lame. But there are even more Biblical healings you may not have heard of.
New Subscription Service Sends Dads A New Pair Of Cargo Pants Every 9 Years
U.S. — A hot new clothing subscription service continued to build buzz, gaining popularity among men across the country, claiming to service all of men’s clothing needs by sending them a single pair of new cargo pants every 9 years.
Ghost Of Pete Rose Bets On Hall Of Fame Induction
COOPERSTOWN, NY — In a shocking new report, a team of amateur ghost hunters working near the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum caught the ghost of Pete Rose placing bets on his Hall of Fame induction.
Study: Nobody Thinks They’re Stupid, But Many Are
U.S. — A newly released Harvard study on human intelligence has provided conclusive evidence that while nobody thinks they’re stupid, many are.
Trump Asks When He’ll Get To See The Elves And Hobbits On His Middle East Tour
DUBAI — Nearing the end of his highly publicized Middle East tour, administration sources reported that President Donald Trump had asked dignitaries when he would get to see the elves and hobbits.
Worrying: America Is Just As Unprepared Now For A Giant Monkey Climbing Skyscrapers As We Were In 1933
NEW YORK, NY — In a concerning new report, experts said that America is still just as unprepared today for a giant monkey climbing skyscrapers as we were back in 1933.
Amazing: James Comey Finds Natural Rock Formation Spelling Out ‘EXPLODE TRUMP’S HEAD WITH A BOOMERANG’
U.S. — Former FBI Director James Comey found himself in hot water this week for posting what he claimed was a natural rock formation that appeared to spell out "EXPLODE TRUMP’S HEAD WITH A BOOMERANG.’
Man Has Extremely Blessed Day After Kindly Old Black Woman Tells Him To Have A Blessed Day
ATLANTA, GA — Local man Greg Spitzer found himself on the proverbial "cloud nine" following an encounter with a kindly old black woman who told him to have a blessed day.
Home Depot Adds Self-Deportation Kiosks
U.S. — Home Depot has begun rolling out self-deportation kiosks so local day laborers hanging around outside their stores can conveniently deport themselves for a nominal fee.
Episcopalians Find Strange Old Book Hidden Under Pew
NEW YORK, NY — According to sources, a group of Episcopalian parishioners has found a strange old book hidden underneath one of their church’s pews.
Arby’s Apologizes For Offending Their Main Customer Base Of Sad Pathetic Losers
ATLANTA, GA — Amid controversy stemming from a provocative social media post, popular fast-food chain Arby’s issued a formal apology for offending their main customer base of sad, pathetic losers.
RFK Unveils New Plan To End Childhood Obesity By Chasing Fat Kids With A Stick
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the latest expansion of the plan to make America healthy again, RFK, Jr. has just announced his intent to reduce childhood obesity in America by chasing fat kids around with a stick.
Democrats Propose Building Wall To Keep White Immigrants Out
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As debate raged over the Trump administration granting refugee status to a group of South African farmers fleeing threats to their lives in their home nation, congressional Democrats proposed building a wall to keep white immigrants out of the country.
Eyeing 2028 Presidential Bid, Gavin Newsom Distances Self From Gavin Newsom
SACRAMENTO, CA — The next race for the White House already showed signs of being in full swing, as, eyeing a potential 2028 presidential bid, California Governor Gavin Newsom took steps to distance himself from California Governor Gavin Newsom.
Furious Democrats Demand To Know Who Was Responsible For Covering Up Biden’s Decline
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats in Congress have angrily demanded answers as to who repeatedly lied to the American people in order to cover up former President Biden’s cognitive decline.
10 Shocking Signs Of Biden’s Decline Everyone Missed
Jake Tapper dropped an absolute bombshell this week, reporting that despite all evidence to the contrary, former President Joe Biden actually suffered severe physical and mental decline during his presidency. How did we all miss this? Looking back in hindsight, here are ten shocking signs we can’t believe…
South Africa Denounces White Refugees For Leaving Before They Had A Chance To Take All Their Stuff And Kill Them
CAPE TOWN — While controversy over displaced farmers swirled in the United States, officials in South Africa denounced white refugees for leaving before they had a chance to take all their stuff and kill them.
LDS Theologians Confirm Apostates Will Be Sent To Outer Darkness Where There Is Only Weeping And Imagine Dragons
SALT LAKE CITY — A letter issued by the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has clarified what lay members have long suspected: that upon death, apostates will be sent to outer darkness where there is only weeping and the sound of Imagine…
Pete Rose Hall Of Fame Induction Ceremony To Be Sponsored By DraftKings
COOPERSTOWN, NY — Despite not yet being officially elected to the prestigious and exclusive group, one late baseball player already landed a lucrative sponsorship, as it was announced that Pete Rose’s Hall of Fame induction ceremony would be brought to you by DraftKings.
Couple Declines To Attend Chinese Underground Church Over Lack Of Children’s Programming
XUANHUA — One local family’s search for a new place of worship continued last weekend, as a couple declined to attend a Chinese underground church over its lack of children’s programming.
DNC To Remove David Hogg After Realizing He’s David Hogg
U.S. — The Democratic National Committee has begun the process to oust David Hogg from its leadership after realizing that he is David Hogg.
Here Are 8 Other Gifts World Leaders Are Giving To America
While the Qatrai government’s giving President Donald Trump a luxurious, state-of-the-art jet has grabbed headlines, it’s actually quite common for foreign governments to send things as special gifts to build relations and curry favor.
Top Baby Names In UK Now Muhammad, Mohammed, Mohamad, And Mohamed
UNITED KINGDOM — According to the Office for National Statistics (ONS), the names Muhammad, Mohammed, Mohamad, and Mohamed are now the most popular names in England.
South Africa Excited To Achieve 100% Diversity Once It Gets Rid Of All The White People
CAPE TOWN — One nation set its sights on becoming the envy of the rest of the globe, as the South African government said the country would soon achieve 100% diversity once it gets rid of all the white people.
Dangerous Tyrant Threatens To Suspend Habeas Corpus
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Abraham Lincoln has done the unthinkable and suspended the writ of habeas corpus, which shall surely be the end of our democracy and the beginning of a 1000-tyranny and darkness for all eternity.
Trump, Saudi Crown Prince Enjoy Romantic Evening Magic Carpet Ride For Two
WORLD — As part of a historic visit to the Middle East, President Trump and Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly shared a romantic evening magic carpet ride for two.
Score! Doctor Left A Cool Skeleton In Room For You To Play With
U.S. — What luck! Your doctor appointment just got a lot better after he left you a cool skeleton to play with while you’re waiting for him.
Jake Tapper Uncovers Startling Evidence That Biden’s Decline Was Covered Up By Jake Tapper
U.S. — In a shocking exposé, CNN anchor Jake Tapper has revealed new evidence that Biden’s mental and physical decline was covered up for years by Jake Tapper.