CORTINA D’AMPEZZO — The gold medal hopes of one pair of U.S. athletes were dashed this week, as the American women’s bobsled team came in last place after stopping to ask for directions.
Babylon Bee
California Truck Driver Cited For Being Legal U.S. Resident
SAN DIEGO, CA — During a routine traffic stop, a California truck driver with a valid Class A driver’s license was reportedly pulled over by law enforcement and cited after officers discovered he was a legal U.S. resident.
Tucker Uncovers Shocking Evidence That Israel Controlled By Jews
TEL AVIV — Shortly after landing at Ben Gurion Airport to conduct an interview with U.S. Ambassador Mike Huckabee, commentator Tucker Carlson reportedly uncovered shocking evidence that Israel is controlled by the Jews.
Gavin Newsom’s Presidential Ambitions Sunk After Nation Discovers He’s The One Running California
SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom’s presidential prospects tanked sharply this week after the nation finally realized he was the guy running California.
Furious Trump Imposes 1000% Tariff On Supreme Court
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a ruling stripping him of his ability to impose emergency tariffs, a visibly furious President Donald Trump imposed a 1,000% tariff on the United States Supreme Court.
Joker Vows To Take Revenge On Gotham City After 13th-Place Finish At Winter Olympics
MILANO — One of the world’s most infamous supervillains announced plans to unleash years of pent-up frustration on the innocent residents of an unsuspecting American city, as the Joke vowed to take revenge on Gotham City after finishing in 13th place in figure skating at the 2026 Milano…
Man Traces Lifelong Cocaine Addiction To Childhood Love Of Fun Dip
TORRANCE, CA — Jeremy Fales, a local marketer for a Fortune 500 company, reportedly had an epiphany on Thursday when he traced his lifelong cocaine addiction back to his childhood love of Fun Dip.
Canadian Government Praised For Euthanizing Nickelback
OTTAWA — The international community had reportedly changed its tune on assisted suicide, even going so far as to openly praise Canada following an announcement by Prime Minister Mark Carney that they had successfully euthanized Nickelback.
In Historic First, Socialist Runs Out Of Money
NEW YORK, NY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani reported a projected $5.4 billion budget gap, marking the first time in recorded history that a socialist has ever run out of money.
Desperate John Bolton Throws Stink Bomb Into Trump’s Board Of Peace Meeting
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the fate of the Middle East hanging in the balance and concerns rising that war with Iran could be imminent, a desperate John Bolton was seen throwing a stink bomb into President Donald Trump’s inaugural "Board of Peace" meeting.