BALTIMORE, MD — As the public debate continued to rage over the Trump administration’s immigration policies, one human trafficker asked for the government to reconsider deporting him on the grounds that it is inhumane to be trafficked to another country.
Babylon Bee
Trump Unveils Giant Cannon For Faster, More Entertaining Deportations
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump delighted the nation this week, unveiling plans for a giant cannon that he hopes will facilitate faster, more entertaining deportations.
Taylor Swift Engagement Overturned As Referee Determines Travis Kelce’s Knee Didn’t Touch The Ground
U.S. — Taylor Swift’s love story came to an abrupt end after a referee jumped out of the bushes following her engagement to football player Travis Kelce and overturned the proposal.
British Authorities Arrest St. George For Brandishing Bladed Weapon At Dragon
AMBLESIDE, ENGLAND — British authorities have arrested a man calling himself Saint George after he brandished a dangerous bladed weapon at a local dragon, which was merely minding its own business of terrorizing the local populace.
Genius Trump Enacts Plan To Dumb Down Chinese Population By Inviting Them To Attend American Universities
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another genius move designed to weaken a rival nation, President Donald Trump enacted a plan to dumb down the Chinese population by inviting them to attend American universities.
10 Great Exercises Even Liberals Can Do
New York City mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani’s viral bench press exhibition has gotten everyone talking about the importance of fitness — no matter what your political affiliation may be. But are there exercises even liberals can do?
Man Fulfills The Great Commission By Occasionally Wearing Novelty Christian T-Shirt In Public
COSTA MESA, CA — A local Christian man was confident that he was likely the cause of periodical resounding celebrations in Heaven, as he proudly fulfilled the Great Commission by occasionally wearing novelty Christian T-shirts in public.
‘Help! I Need A Spotter!’ Cries Mamdani Struggling Under 5-Pound Yoga Dumbbells
NEW YORK CITY, NY — New York mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani was seriously injured Saturday after getting pinned under a pair of 5 lb. yoga bells at an election event.
Report: Kilmar Abrego Garcia Just One Away From Free Burrito On His Deportation Punch Card
BALTIMORE, MD — As the Trump administration prepared to make another attempt to send a dangerous foreigner with a criminal record out of the country, news broke that Kilmar Abrego Garcia was allegedly just one away from a free burrito on his deportation punch card.
Trump Decrees Anyone Who Does Not Bow Down To The American Flag When The Music Plays Shall Be Tossed Into The Fiery Furnance
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his latest executive order, President Donald Trump has ordered that anyone who does not bow down to the American flag when the music plays shall be tossed into the fiery furnace.
Somber Democrats Mourn DC Going A Record Ten Days Without A Murder
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a muted display of mourning, a group of somber Democrats commemorated the unprecedented streak of 10 murder-free days in Washington, D.C.
Mayorship Of New York To Be Awarded To First Candidate Who Can Bench Press The Bar
NEW YORK CITY — New York City has moved to adopt a new system whereby the mayorship will be awarded to the first candidate who can bench press the bar.
Trump Orders Visa Review Of Anyone With One Of Those Squiggly Line N’s In Their Name
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of the administration’s ongoing effort to remove illegal immigrants, President Trump has ordered the visa status reviewed of anyone with one of those weird "squiggly line n’s" in their name.
Friend Group Recruits Baptist So As To Always Have Designated Driver
AMARILLO, TX — A group of local friends has recruited a Baptist girl so as to always have a designated driver.
Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility For Cracker Barrel Logo Change
KABUL — In a newly released video, the terrorist group Al-Qaeda has claimed responsibility for the changing of the Cracker Barrel logo.
‘No, I Didn’t Eat Any Of That Walmart Shrimp,’ Says Husband Glowing Neon Green
TUCSON, AZ — Local husband Ryan Masterson denied having consumed any radioactive Walmart shrimp, though his wife had her doubts due to his entire body emitting a soft neon green glow.
10 Most Shocking Discoveries From The John Bolton FBI Raid
The Maryland home of former National Security Advisor John Bolton was raided by government agents today, leaving the public wondering what the FBI was looking for — and what they found.
ESPN Reminds Nation Watching Women’s Basketball Is Mandatory
BRISTOL, CT — ESPN hosts reminded the nation Friday that watching women’s basketball games is a mandatory activity strictly enforced by the governing authorities.
California Fines Family For Building Sandcastle Without Coastal Commission Approval
OCEANSIDE, CA — A family’s beach trip ended in disaster after they were cited by a state official for building a sand castle together without prior authorization from the California Coastal Commission.
Waffle House Unveils Successful Brand Strategy Of Just Keeping Everything The Same Forever
NORCROSS, GA — Following the public relations disaster Cracker Barrel experienced this week after it introduced its new logo, popular restaurant chain Waffle House unveiled a successful strategy of just keeping everything the same forever.
Black Mesa Research Facility Fails Another OSHA Inspection
NEW MEXICO — The government-funded Black Mesa Research Facility is currently in danger of being shut down after being hit with yet another OSHA violation.
John Bolton Eludes FBI By Blending Into A Herd Of Walruses
BETHESDA, MD — Federal agents raided the home of former National Security Advisor John Bolton on Friday as part of a security probe involving classified documents. Unfortunately, the whereabouts of Bolton were currently unknown, as it was believed that he escaped by blending in with a nearby herd…
Meet Hannah, The New Fully Clothed And Chaste A.I. Assistant From The Babylon Bee
Unsure about which of the myriad A.I. assistants out there is right for you? Try Hannah, the new fully clothed and chaste A.I. assistant from The Babylon Bee.
Peacemaker: Trump Negotiates Historic Truce Between IPhone And Android Users
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Continuing his string of pulling off peace treaties that many thought to be impossible, President Donald Trump announced that he had successfully negotiated a historic truce between iPhone and Android users.
College Graduate $200k In Debt Celebrates New Minimum-Wage Job By Shopping For A $750k One-Bedroom Home At 20% Interest
FRANKLIN, TN — According to sources, a local Gen Z college graduate who was now $200,000 in debt with a minimum wage job was celebrating by shopping for a new $750,000 home at 20% interest.
10 Surefire Ways To Lose Your Man Card
The world needs men. Sadly, however, many men are shirking their God-given responsibilities these days to live like little fancy boys.
Trump Orders Smithsonian To Display Exhibit Of Old Cracker Barrel Logo
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of his comprehensive overhaul of America’s national museums, President Donald Trump ordered the Smithsonian to display an exhibit of the now-defunct Cracker Barrel logo.
Introvert Bites Down On Cyanide Capsule As Waiters Start Singing ‘Happy Birthday’ To Him
RIVERDALE, UT — A tragic scene ensued last night, as an introvert bit down on a cyanide capsule at his own birthday dinner as soon as the waiters started singing "Happy Birthday" to him.
Announcement: The Bee Is Excited To Unveil Our New Logo
U.S. — Times change, and we must change with them. That was the philosophy that prompted us to update our company logo to remove anything that could be construed as appealing or exciting.
‘We Don’t Have Money In The Budget To Tithe,’ Says Family Currently Spending 30k/Year On Travel Baseball
LAKE FOREST, CA — According to local man Todd Lyons, there’s simply no room in the budget for his family to tithe as they are already having to spend $30,000 a year on travel baseball for their 10-year-old son.