JERICHO — Another fascinating piece of the biblical history puzzle fell into place this week, as archaeologists announced the discovery of what is believed to be the Ouija board used by King Saul.
Babylon Bee
Sorry Excuse For American Hasn’t Blown Off Single Finger With Fireworks
LEE’S SUMMIT, MO — As people across the nation prepared to celebrate the 4th of July holiday, one sorry excuse for an American revealed he had yet to blow off a single finger with fireworks.
Planned Parenthood Warns Funding Cut Will Result In Birth Of Thousands Of Babies
U.S. — Following the passing of President Donald Trump’s historic "Big Beautiful Bill" to set the government’s spending budget, Planned Parenthood warned that the massive funding cut would result in the birth of thousands of babies.
10 Exciting Changes Disney Is Bringing To The Indiana Jones Reboot
According to rumors, Disney and Lucasfilm are looking at rebooting the beloved Indiana Jones film series sans Harrison Ford, leading fans to speculate what dramatic changes are in store for everyone’s favorite archaeologist. The Babylon Bee is here with all the details.
Wail Of Agony Heard From Satan’s Office As Planned Parenthood Defunded
HELL — A wailing, screeching sound was heard from the Devil’s office today following the defunding of Planned Parenthood by the United States Government.
LOOOOL Check Out This So-Called ‘MAN’ Who’s Doing CARDIO (A Type Of Exercise For GIRLS)
Yo, get a load of this guy!
Millions Reported Dead As ‘Big Beautiful Bill’ Passes
Continental Congress Reluctantly Agrees To Trim Down Name Of ‘Big Beautiful Declaration Of Independence’
PHILADELPHIA — After a tense round of voting, the Continental Congress passed a resolution to shorten the title of the Big Beautiful Declaration of Independence to simply Declaration of Independence.
Cold-Hearted Leftists Demand Immigrants Stay In Evil, Oppressive United States
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a sickening display of cold-heartedness, American leftists are demanding that immigrants stay in the evil, oppressive regime of the United States.
Breaking: Chicago Man Not Shot
CHICAGO — Chicago native Matthew Hayes reportedly defied all odds this week by not being shot.
Journalist Up Late Trying To Decide Whether To Compare Trump’s Bill To Jim Crow Or Holocaust
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A local journalist stayed up late into the night trying to settle on the right way to report on Trump’s "Big, Beautiful Bill." He is currently torn on whether to compare the bill to Jim Crow or the Holocaust.
Red Lobster Introduces Exciting New Menu Item ‘Box Of Things We Found At The Beach’
ORLANDO — For a limited time, Red Lobster’s menu will be updated to include a "Box of Things We Found at the Beach."
Report: Trump Bill Will Cause 175 Billion People To Lose Medicaid And Die
U.S. — An alarming report from the Foundation for Communal Socialistic Equity has confirmed that Trump’s signature "Big Beautiful Bill" will cause 175 billion people to lose their Medicaid and die horrible deaths.
Check It Out: 10 More States Announce Fun Migrant Prisons
Check out what’s coming above! Any others you’d like to see? Let us know in the comments below.
How 9 Politicians Are Celebrating This 4th Of July
It’s birthday time once again for the greatest nation on earth: America. Everybody likes to celebrate ‘Murica a little differently – here are how nine famous politicians are planning to mark the 4th of July this year:
Subway Names Diddy As New Spokesman
U.S. — The Subway sandwich franchise has excitedly announced its newest spokesman, Sean "Diddy" Combs.
Op-Ed: The Problem With Kids These Days Is Not Enough Of Them Smoke Cigarettes
Kids these days are a bunch of weenies, and it all starts with not enough of them smoking cigarettes.
Sad: Great White Shark Stripped Of UPenn Women’s Swimming Title
PHILADELPHIA, PA — After years of outrage, a Pennsylvanian Great White shark was stripped this morning of its University of Pennsylvania Women’s Swimming titles by school officials.
UPenn Announces Matt Walsh As New Women’s Swim Coach
PHILADELPHIA — In addition to stripping transgender swimmer Lia Thomas of his titles the University of Pennsylvania has agreed to hire on Matt Walsh as the new women’s swim coach.
Diddy Celebrates Acquittal With Massive Freak-Off
LOS ANGELES — Sean "Diddy" Coombs celebrated his acquittal on sex trafficking and racketeering charges this morning by hosting a massive "freak-off."
UK Police Release Updated Chart Showing Who You’re Allowed To Be Racist Against
LONDON — In a move intended to help citizens direct their hatred toward the appropriate parties, UK police released an updated chart showing who you’re currently allowed to be racist against.
Mamdani Says He Will Build Wall Separating East New York From West New York
NEW YORK, NY — As part of his campaign platform in his attempt to become the next mayor of New York City, Zohran Mamdani pledged that he would build a wall separating East New York from West New York.
Illegal Immigrants Removed From Census, Leaving California With Population Of 12
U.S. — Population numbers have shifted drastically in light of new changes to the census program, which remove illegal immigrants from official population numbers. As a result, California, once the most populous state in the country, now has a total population of just 12 people.
Jesus Delights Crowd By Miraculously Turning Oatmeal Raisin Cookies Into Chocolate Chip
BETHSAIDA — The amazing reputation built by a Galilean carpenter-turned-traveling rabbi grew even more impressive this week, as Jesus of Nazareth miraculously turned a plate of disgusting oatmeal raisin cookies into chocolate chip.
Man Spends Six Years Digging Tunnel From Church Parking Lot To Sanctuary So He Can Avoid Greeters
PHOENIX, AZ — Deacons reportedly uncovered an elaborate tunnel running underneath a local church property Monday. They believe it was the work of one man who really hates interacting with church greeters.
Thomas Massie Unveils Small, Ugly Budget Bill With A Great Personality
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his latest move to fight against the looming passage of President Donald Trump’s "Big Beautiful Bill," Congressman Thomas Massie unveiled his very own "Small, Ugly Budget Bill with a Great Personality."
Elon Sends Optimus Robot Back In Time To Terminate ‘Big Beautiful Bill’
AUSTIN, TX — Tension between President Donald Trump his wealthiest and most well-known supporter reached a new level today, as Elon Musk sent a Tesla Optimus robot back in time to terminate Trump’s "Big Beautiful Bill."
Ford Debuts World’s First Autonomous Car To Leave Factory And Drive Straight To Shop For Repairs
DEARBORN, MI — The Ford Motor Company made history once again with its recent debut of the world’s first autonomous car to leave the factory and drive straight to the shop for repairs.
CNN Reports Viewership ‘Largely Intact’
ATLANTA, GA — CNN is reporting that in spite of several ruthless attacks by the Trump administration, its audience is still largely intact.
Man In Search Of New Church After Finding Out His Pastor Likes The Disney Star Wars Movies
BATON ROUGE, LA — Sources close to Gene Vickers say that the 34-year-old is now searching for a new church after finding out that his pastor likes the Disney Star Wars movies last Sunday.