Babylon Bee
Tragic: Man Runs Out Of Conversation Topics 45 Seconds Into Haircut
KANSAS CITY, MO — Tragedy struck in a local barbershop today, as a man realized just 45 seconds into getting his haircut that he had already run out of all conversation topics.
Mamdani Promises Rent-Free Gulags
NEW YORK, NY — As the New York City mayoral race entered its final stretch before Tuesday’s election, leading candidate Zohran Mamdani sought to broaden his appeal with undecided voters by promising to establish rent-free gulags throughout the city in which he would graciously imprison his political opponents…
Trump Negotiates Historic Peace Deal Between Contemporary Service, Traditional Service
U.S. — Mere weeks after bringing about a much-heralded ceasefire between Israel and Hamas, President Donald Trump pulled off yet another historic treaty by successfully negotiating a peace deal between proponents of the contemporary service and adherents to the traditional service.
17-Year-Old Trick-Or-Treater Dresses Up As 17-Year-Old Wearing a Hoodie
HADDONFIELD, NJ — Reports coming in on Halloween indicated that one 17-year-old trick-or-treater had been sighted making the rounds early in the afternoon dressed up as a 17-year-old wearing a hoodie.
In Toughest Survival Challenge Yet, Bear Grylls Attempts To Survive Weekend In Chicago
CHICAGO, IL — In a new television special, survivalist icon and TV host Bear Grylls was set to embark on his most daring survival challenge yet as he attempts to survive a weekend in Chicago.
The Nightmare Is Over: Supreme Court Outlaws Candy Corn
U.S. — Americans all over the country celebrated the news that the national nightmare that had lasted for generations was finally over, as the United States Supreme Court outlawed candy corn.
Prodigal Son Returns After SNAP Benefits Expire
GALILEE — A local family rejoiced after a wayward son returned in repentance to his father, though subsequent reports claimed that this was because he just ran out of SNAP benefits.
Man Longs For Simpler Time Before Grandma Discovered Emojis
MACON, GA — Local man John Gardener expressed longing this week for a simpler, better time before his grandmother learned how to use emojis in texts and social media posts.
Embarrassed Democrats Admit They Can’t Remember Why They Shut The Government Down
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic lawmakers quietly admitted on Friday that they can’t seem to remember why they shut down the government in the first place.