NEW YORK, NY — According to reports from top intelligence agencies, Al-Qaeda is activating its terrorist sleeper cells to help get out the vote for Zohran Mamdani.
Babylon Bee
AOC Tells Mom Giving Birth To Get A Real Job
BRONIX, NY — According to witnesses at the scene, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez burst into a birthing suite at local Montefiore Hospital to tell off a woman in labor that she should get a real job.
Report Reveals Biden Allowed Over 2,000,000 Flood Lifeforms Across Southern Border
U.S — According to a Department of Homeland Security report, former President Joe Biden’s soft border policies allowed 2,000,000 Flood lifeforms over the border.
Woman Awarded Trophy For Enduring 17 Hours Of Senseless Agony Instead Of Getting Epidural
MILWAUKEE, WI — After hours of horrifying agony and non-stop screaming, local woman Jessica Poulter was awarded a cool trophy for giving birth without an epidural.
Furloughed TSA Agents Go Door-To-Door Offering To Grope People For Free
ARLINGTON, VA — As the government shut-down drags on, furloughed TSA agents have begun going door-to-door offering to grope people for free.
Democrats Vow To Starve As Many Food Stamp Recipients As It Takes To Get Free Healthcare For Illegal Immigrants
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats have taken a bold stand by vowing to starve as many food stamp recipients as it takes to get free healthcare for illegal immigrants.
Due To Depleted Bullpen, Jason Bateman To Pitch Game 4 For Dodgers
LOS ANGELES, CA — After Monday night’s epic 18-inning marathon Game 3 severely depleted their bullpen, the Los Angeles Dodgers announced that actor Jason Bateman would take the mound for the team in Game 4.
Trump Asks Elon If He Can Come Up With A Way To Supply 1.21 Gigawatts Of Power To A DeLorean
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, President Donald Trump broached the subject of scientific collaboration this week with Tesla Founder and CEO Elon Musk, asking if he could come up with a way to supply precisely 1.21 gigawatts of power to a DeLorean.
Dad Excited To Show Family Horrifyingly Violent Movie From 1970s That Has The Same Rating As ‘Toy Story 3’
TULSA, OK — Local dad William Madsen announced he was excited to show his kids some of the horror and action movies he loved from the 1970s, which must be ok because they’re rated the same as those Toy Story movies.
Dad Accepted Into Ninja School After Leaping Under Garage Door As It’s Closing
COLUMBUS, OH — Local dad Tripp Cashton was elated to receive his acceptance to Ninja School after nailing the feat of leaping under a garage door just as it closed.