WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump says that after a brief phone call with the violent storm, Hurricane Erin has agreed to change course away from the United States.
Babylon Bee
California Issues Commerical Driver’s License To Stevie Wonder
LOS ANGELES, CA — The California state government is once again under fire after the revelation it issued a Commercial Driver’s License to famed blind pianist Stevie Wonder.
10 Ways Babies Are Smarter Than Liberals
While babies are undeniably cute, they aren’t too bright. Yet, despite being unable to talk or poo on a potty, babies are still significantly smarter than today’s liberals. Here are ten ways babies are outpacing the libs:
Getting Out Of Hand? Newsom Orders Aide To Shoot Off His Ear
SACRAMENTO, CA — Sources close to Gavin Newsom say that the governor’s Trump imitations may be getting a little out of hand after Newsom ordered an aide to shoot off part of his ear.
Meet Hank, The Autistic Chimpanzee Who Runs Gavin Newsom’s X Account
SAN DIEGO, CA — In a small corner of the San Diego Zoo’s chimpanzee exhibit lies a modest laptop computer that an autistic chimp named Hank uses to run Governor Gavin Newsom’s X account.
God Agrees To Let Trump Into Heaven If He Repents Of His Sin And Trusts In Jesus Christ Alone For Salvation
HEAVEN — Celestial sources report that in response to hearing of President Trump’s hopes for getting into heaven, God has agreed to let Trump into His kingdom if he simply repents of his sin and trusts in Christ alone for his salvation.
Trump To Receive Nobel Prize For Getting Zelenskyy To Wear A Suit
OSLO — The Nobel Committee has officially announced that President Trump will be awarded the prestigious Peace Prize for getting Volodymyr Zelenskyy to actually wear a suit.
10 Questions You Should Be Able To Answer In Order To Vote
With President Donald Trump making election reform a priority, cleaning up the process and determining qualifications for voting are important. Who should vote, and how can it be determined?
Mamdani Rage Quits After Everyone In His SimCity Starves Again
NEW YORK — Mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani caused a stir this week when he rage quit from a game of Sim City 4 after the residents of his simulated city starved to death again.
Men’s Bible Study Once Again Derailed By Mention Of Nephilim
CHINO HILLS, CA — A men’s bible study was suddenly derailed when one of its members decided that the time scheduled for the study of Romans was the right time to bring up the Nephilim again.
IT’S HERE: Our New Streaming Platform ‘Bee Minus’ Launches Today, And We Need Your Help
The Babylon Bee changed the satire game forever when we launched 9 years ago. Now, we’re taking on unfunny, woke Hollywood with brand-new shows, sketches, web series, and movies, all from the minds that come up with the fake news headlines you read every day.
8 Possible Names For MSNBC’s Exciting New Rebrand
Beleagured cable news channel MSNBC has rebranded itself as MS NOW, but that wasn’t the only new name considered. The executives at NBCUniversal reportedly settled on the new name after whittling down a list of suggestions.
Study Finds Average Parent Spends 92% Of Life In School Pickup Line
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new study from Pew Research indicates that the average parent spends 92% of his or her life waiting for children in the school pickup line.
Chuck Schumer Said He’s Never Felt In Danger Walking In DC And Neither Have His Ten Bodyguards
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer disagreed with the president’s assessment of D.C., saying he’s never once felt in danger walking the ten minutes it takes to get to his car, and neither have any of his ten bodyguards.
Man Voting For Whichever Political Party Will Get This Video Of The Male Vikings Cheerleaders Off His Social Feed
PRIOR LAKE, MN — Sources close to local man Todd Stevens say the life-long Minnesotan has decided to switch his allegiance to whichever political party will get this video of the male Vikings cheerleaders off his Twitter feed.
Dems Say Mail-In Ballot Ban Will Place Undue Hardship On Dead Voters
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As President Donald Trump continues to hint at taking action to require in-person voting in U.S. elections, Democratic leaders warned that a mail-in ballot ban would place undue hardship on dead voters.
Kids Ministry That Spells ‘Kids’ With A ‘Z’ Gonna Be Absolutely Lit
LITTLE ROCK, AR — According to sources, a local church’s kids ministry spells "kids" with a "z" instead of an "s" at the end, a sure sign that this kids ministry is absolutely lit.
Inappropriate? Zelenskyy Shows Up To Negotiations In Novelty Bikini T-Shirt
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy arrived at the White House today wearing a novelty bikini t-shirt which some are calling inappropriate.
Dallas Cowboys Relieved To No Longer Be Gayest Team In League
FRISCO, TX — After witnessing the debut of the Minnesota Vikings’ new male cheerleaders, the Dallas Cowboys expressed relief that they would no longer be known as the gayest team in the National Football League.
Problems In Middle East Blamed On The 0.3% Of It That Isn’t An Islamic Dictatorship
AMMAN — As experts and diplomats continue to search for the solution to the generations-long conflict in the region, one surprising study has concluded that problems in the Middle East should definitely be blamed on the 0.3% of it that isn’t an Islamic dictatorship.
Donkey Kong Certain Collecting Another Banana Will Fill God-Shaped Hole In His Heart
INGOT ISLE — According to sources, the ape known as Donkey Kong is certain collecting another banana will fill the God-shaped hole in his heart.
Metropolis Sues Superman For Reducing Crime
METROPOLIS — A new scandal threatened to arise between governing officials and Earth’s greatest superhero, as Metropolis sued Superman for being far too effective in reducing crime in the city.
New Phone For Introverts Doesn’t Have A Call Function
U.S. — Samsung has released a new phone designed specifically for introverts which has no call function whatsoever.
Man Still Not Understanding Bible Verse Despite Author Writing ‘Let The Reader Understand’
TOPEKA, KS — Local man Chris Hampton remained terribly confused about the meaning of a Bible verse despite the Biblical author having written "Let the reader understand."
Ukraine Raises Alarm As Trump Emerges From Meeting Wearing Soviet Ushanka
KYIV — Ukraine government officials sounded the alarm today after President Trump emerged from his meeting with Putin sporting a beautiful Soviet ushanka.
Highschool Freshman Disappointed There Isn’t An Affable Loner Around On First Day Of School To Point Out Which Tables In The Lunch Room Various Social Groups Sit At
SAN DIMAS, CA-Local high school freshman Pete Slater expressed disappointment this week as he was unable to locate an affable, slightly goth loner who could show him around the school cafeteria and point out where various social groups sit.
Scholars Now Believe Samson Slew 1,000 Philistines With A 6-inch Italian B.M.T.
WORLD — Old Testament scholars announced today that new evidence has revealed Samson actually slew one thousand Philistines with a 6-inch Italian B.M.T. on wheat.
Disaster Strikes As Trump Accidentally Rips Putin’s Arm Off With Macho Handshake
ANCHORAGE, AK — Peace negotiations to end the war in Ukraine were reportedly off to a bad start after President Donald Trump accidentally ripped Russian President Vladimir Putin’s arm off with a super macho handshake.
Dad Fussy After Missing His Afternoon Nap
REDMOND, OR — A lost afternoon nap threatened to ruin the entire day of local dad Stephen Hearst, who was now clinically fussy, sources said.
Beyond Meat In Financial Trouble After Public Learns Real Meat Exists
EL SEGUNDO, CA — Shareholders were briefed at an emergency meeting to address swirling rumors, as vegetarian alternative manufacturer Beyond Meat was reportedly in financial trouble after the public learned that real meat exists.