U.S. — Democrat onlookers were baffled at the unusual sight of a group of immigrants arriving in the United States legally while waving patriotic American flags.
Babylon Bee
More Winning: Here’s Everything Trump Scored In The China Trade Deal
A new U.S.-China trade deal has just been inked by President Trump which promises to reduce tariffs and improve relations between the two nations. But it also comes with some other perks.
‘Run! Get Out While You Can!’ Scream Dying Ferns As Woman Brings In New Houseplant
DENVER, CO — Local woman Shaylyn Bridger brought home three new houseplants this week, prompting her half-dead ferns to scream at them to get out while they still could.
Dark Day For Democracy As Insurrectionists Storm Government Building
NEWARK, NJ — The United States was plunged into a collective period of mourning to observe what historians categorized as a "dark day for democracy" after a group of insurrectionists stormed a government building.
Colorado Rockies Accused Of Using Performance-Inhibiting Drugs
DENVER — Following an eight-game losing streak, the Colorado Rockies have been formally accused of taking performance-inhibiting drugs.
Trump Accepts Generous Gift Of Imperial-Class Star Destroyer From Emperor Palpatine
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House held a star-studded ceremony today to commemorate a historic occasion, as President Donald Trump accepted a generous gift of an Imperial-Class Star Destroyer from Emperor Palpatine.
Corinthian Church Really Hopes That Embarrassing Letter Paul Wrote About All Their Sexual Immorality Doesn’t Become Public
CORINTH — With the congregation of believers still dealing with the fallout from multiple scandals, the Corinthian church expressed hope that the letter the Apostle Paul wrote about all their sexual immorality wouldn’t become public.
Faux Pas: Man Gets Wife Something for Mother’s Day Even Though She’s Not His Mother
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Local man Jacob Masterson committed an embarrassing faux pas this morning when he gave his wife a present for Mother’s Day even though she is not his mother.
Trump Secures 18 Months Of Free Geek Squad As Part Of India-Pakistan Truce
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has successfully secured 18 months of free Geek Squad service as a condition of negotiating the end of hostilities between India and Pakistan.
Letitia James Hides From Trump DOJ By Painting Herself Bronze And Standing Very, Very Still In Times Square
NEW YORK, NY — In a desperate move to evade Trump’s Department of Justice, New York Attorney General Letitia James painted herself bronze and is standing very, very still in Times Square.
New Pope Now Second-Most Influential Christian Named ‘Bob’
WORLD — After ascending to the role of Pope this week, former Bishop Robert Prevost has now taken the title of the second most influential Christian in the world named "Bob", narrowly losing out to Bob the Tomato.
New Pope Spends First Day Undoing All Of Former Pope’s Executive Orders
VATICAN CITY — According to Vatican officials, newly elected Pope Leo XIV spent the majority of his first day on the job undoing all of the former pope’s executive orders.
Trump’s Popularity Skyrockets After He Deports All Cyclists
U.S. — Despite controversies surrounding tariffs and the defunding of dozens of large government departments, a new poll showed President Donald Trump’s popularity skyrocketed after he announced the deportation of all cyclists.
Miracle: Image Of Mary Appears In Chicago Bean
CHICAGO, IL — In an astonishing miracle that theologians said was a herald of God’s blessing upon Chicago’s own Pope Leo XIV, an image of the Virgin Mary appeared in the Chicago Bean.
10 Common Mistakes Preachers Make
Being a preacher is a thankless job. You do your best to "rightly divide the Word of Truth" each week, but no one pays attention. But it’s not their fault, it’s yours. In all likelihood, you’re making one of ten common, and sometimes deadly, mistakes.
Hero: Bernie Sanders Buys Another House To Make Sure The Rich People Don’t Get All Of Them
BURLINGTON, VT — In a heroic move that sacrificed his own resources, Senator Bernie Sanders announced that he had bought yet another house to make sure the rich people don’t get all of them.
What You Should Know About The New Pope
With the election of Pope Leo XIV, millions of people — including some Catholics — were left looking for information about him to provide insight into how he might lead the Church.
Bernie Sanders Unveils His New Gold-Encrusted ‘Beat The Oligarchy’ Dirigible
U.S. — In the latest step in his quest to lead working-class Americans to overthrow the elite billionaire ruling class, Senator Bernie Sanders unveiled a gold-encrusted "Beat the Oligarchy" dirigible he would use to tour the country.
10 Reasons Republicans In Congress Haven’t Gotten Around To Defunding Planned Parenthood Yet
The new Republican-controlled Congress is now in its fifth month, leaving millions of people who voted for them wondering when they might get around to… maybe… accomplishing some of the important things they campaigned on, like defunding popular baby-murder corporation Planned Parenthood.
Eagle Firing AR-15 Emerges From Vatican Indicating An American Pope Has Been Selected
VATICAN — In an aerial display that delighted millions, the Vatican conclave released a bald eagle firing an AR-15 into the air to signal that an American pope had been selected.
JD Vance Already Making Plans To Kill New Pope
U.S. — In the minutes following the announcement of Chicago Cardinal Robert F. Prevost as the new Pope, Vice President Vance has reportedly already begun making plans to kill him.
Catholics Frantically Google New Pope To See If He’s Catholic
BREAKING: Smoke Has Risen From Buc-ee’s Indicating Fresh Brisket Is On The Board
WACO, TX — The gathered crowds broke out into deafening cheers as smoke rose from Buc-ee’s this afternoon, indicating fresh brisket was on the board.
Fox News Calls Papacy For Joe Biden
U.S. — Fox News has announced that it is ready to officially project the winner of the papacy, calling the conclave for Joe Biden.
Sad: AOC Unable To Obtain Real ID Because She Died On Jan 6 And Is A Ghost
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The national movement to require everyone to convert their forms of identification continued to receive pushback as Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez revealed she was unable to obtain a Real ID because she died on Jan 6 and is now a ghost.
Trump Sends In Nicolas Cage To Reoccupy Alcatraz
SAN FRANCISCO — Nicolas Cage has successfully infiltrated Alcatraz after being tapped by President Trump to reoccupy the famous island prison.
India Retaliates Against Pakistan By Scamming Them Out Of Millions In Amazon Gift Cards
INDIA — In a brutal response to the killings in Kashmir, India retaliated against Pakistani by scamming their foes out of millions in Amazon gift cards.
Trump Renames San Francisco Bay ‘Gulf Of Criminals’
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — As part of his ongoing crusade to change the name of each body of water in the world, President Donald Trump announced on Wednesday that the San Francisco Bay would now be known as the "Gulf of Criminals."
The Bee Explains: How A Conclave Works
The Catholic Church has officially begun the process of selecting a new Pope, using a mysterious and secretive method known as a "conclave." So, how does a conclave work? Here is everything you need to know:
Trump Promises To Negotiate Peace In India As Soon As They Take Him Off Hold
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump has vowed to negotiate a quick end to the violence between India and Pakistan, just as soon as he taken off the "brief hold" he was placed on.