WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has just one message for American families struggling economically this Christmas: "Your kids are bad, so maybe they don’t deserve presidents."
Babylon Bee
Reminder: Santa Wants Gluten In His Cookies
U.S. — As Christmas Eve approaches, decorations adorn the tree, and bands of carolers prepare to roam the streets, an urgent message arrived from the North Pole to remind everyone not to forget that Santa Claus wants gluten in his cookies.
Kilmar Abrego Garcia Uses Frequent Flyer Miles To Take Killer Disney Vacation
ORLANDO, FL — The much-publicized legal tug-of-war over his deportation finally paid off for illegal alien Kilmar Abrego Garcia, as he announced that he was using all the frequent flyer miles he racked up during the ordeal to take a killer Disney vacation.
Jesus Kinda Bummed He Was Born On December 25 And Now His Birthday Will Be Overshadowed By Christmas Every Year
CAPERNAUM — Reports surfaced this week that carpenter-turned-traveling teacher Jesus of Nazareth expressed disappointment with having to share a birthday with the biggest holiday of the year.
California Family Still Waiting For Permit To Build Gingerbread House
PACIFIC PALISADES, CA — Bucking years of tradition, a family new to the California area had failed to build a single gingerbread house this Christmas season due to a backlog at the permit office.
Trump Worried Reports Of Venezuelan Oil Tanker Seizure Have Ruined The Surprise Of Melania’s Christmas Gift
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump expressed concern that his wife, Melania, may now be aware of what he got her for Christmas after news reports surfaced that the U.S. military had seized a Venezuelan oil tanker this week.
Thinking About Going To Church? Here Are 10 Tips For Your First Sunday
Attending a church for the first time can be a daunting experience. If this is the first time you’re attending church this Sunday, try not to stress too much about what it’ll be like to be in an entirely new place surrounded by people you don’t know. Just…
US Military Persuades Entire Venezuelan Army To Surrender By Offering Them Some Food
VENEZUELA — In a remarkable demonstration of martial superiority, the United States military just forced an unconditional surrender out of the entire Venezuelan army just by offering them some food.
Whoaa This B-List Actor Just Said Something Remotely Christian Whoaaaa
WHOA now. WHOAAA.
Meaning Of Christmas Revealed To Actually Be Those Popcorn Tins With The Three Types Of Popcorn
The meaning of Christmas has been officially revealed, and it’s all about those metal tins with three types of popcorn. Yep. Would you have guessed it?