The internet has been abuzz once again about the dueling claims and court cases between actress Blake Lively and actor Justin Baldoni. With so much contradictory information, it’s hard to know what’s real or where to begin. Here, collected at last in one space, is everything you need…
Babylon Bee
‘A Civilization Will Die Tonight,’ Says Donald Trump As He Enters All-You-Can-Eat Shrimp Buffet
CHURCH, VA — Employees at a local shrimp house were reportedly traumatized following a surprise visit by President Trump who, upon arriving, vowed that a civilization would die that night.
Underachieving Christian Settles For Third Baptist Church
MOBILE, AL — Local underperforming Christian Jason Bingham continued his lukewarm ways today, settling for attending the Third Baptist Church of Mobile.
We Asked 100 Women The Most Attractive Quality In A Man And They All Agreed It’s Painting Tiny Warhammer Figures
What a culture finds appealing in the opposite sex can evolve over time. So we polled 100 different women to see what they considered the most attractive quality in a man — and the answer may surprise you.
Turd On San Francisco Sidewalk Now Polling Second In California Governor’s Race
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With less than six months to go before residents vote to elect the state’s next leader, the latest polls showed that a turd on a San Francisco sidewalk was now in second place to become California’s governor.
Couple Trapped On Hantavirus-Infected Cruise Decline Chance To Go Home On Carnival Cruise Ship
SOUTH CARIBBEAN — A couple trapped on a hantavirus-infected cruise ship reportedly have declined to be rescued by a nearby Carnival cruise, saying they’d rather take their chances with hantavirus instead.
California Governor Debate Descends Into Chaos As Katie Porter Dumps Scalding Mashed Potatoes On Moderators
MONTEREY PARK, CA — A heated debated between the candidates for governor of California descended into mayhem last night after Katie Porter dumped an entire pot of scalding mashed potatoes on the moderators’ heads.
Compassionate Federal Judge Rules Assassin Should Get One More Shot To Kill Trump
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark decision to compensate for what was described as "mistreatment" he suffered in jail, would-be assassin Cole Allen was granted one more chance to try to kill President Donald Trump.
Democrats Clarify Everyone Is A Nazi Except The Guy With Nazi Tattoo
U.S. — Members of the Democratic Party from across the nation issued a statement clarifying that everyone is an evil Nazi except that one guy running for Senate in Maine who has a Nazi tattoo.
10 New Additions To Trump’s Presidential Fitness Test
President Donald Trump announced this week that he was reinstating the Presidential Fitness Test to evaluate the physical health of America’s public school students.