MINNEAPOLIS, MN — According to reports, a local woman and Congressional representative left Africa and immigrated to Minnesota, in spite of her paralyzing fear of white men.
Babylon Bee
9 Out Of 10 Financial Experts Now Recommend Saying The ‘N-Word’ On Camera
U.S. — A new foolproof method to build long-term wealth has been discovered, as a recent survey showed that a staggering 9 out of 10 financial experts now recommend saying the N-word on camera.
Corporal Klinger Finally Discharged From Army After Trans Military Ban
UIJEONGBU — Corporal Maxwell Klinger has finally been discharged from the Army after the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the Trump administration’s ban on trans military members.
Tragedy: Local Man Has To Go To Work Even Though He Doesn’t Feel Like It
HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA — Friends and family rallied to provide much-needed comfort to their loved one today, as a local man found himself experiencing the tragedy of having to go to work even though he didn’t feel like it.
10 People Trump Is Sending To The Reopened Alcatraz
With the whole nation abuzz with President Trump’s proposal to reopen and expand Alcatraz, it’s worth asking who, exactly, would be vile and dangerous enough to be imprisoned there.
Democrats Offer Illegal Immigrants $1,001 To Stay In US
U.S. — In response to President Donald Trump‘s offer to give illegal immigrants $1000 in exchange for deporting themselves, Democrats are upping the ante with a lucrative deal of $1001 to stay in the United States.
Newly Discovered Mosaic Law Required Israelites To Separate Themselves From Android Users
SINAI — Scholars marveled at the revelation of what was described as a long-hidden passage of religious text, as a newly discovered portion of the Mosaic Law required Israelites to separate themselves from "unclean" Android users.
The Babylon Bee Has Been Given Access To Trump’s To-Do List For His Next 100 Days. Here’s What To Expect
It’s just too much winning to handle. Trump’s been so effective already, it’s made our heads spin.
Nation Takes Somber ‘May The 4th’ To Remember Deceased Star Wars Franchise
U.S. — Fans reportedly took time on "May the 4th" for silent reflection, somberly remembering the now deceased Star Wars franchise.
Temu Shutdown Devastates Americans Looking To Buy Throw Pillows That Look Like Chicken Legs
U.S. — The fallout from President Trump’s tariffs on Chinese goods continued to be felt in new ways, as the announcement from online marketplace Temu that it would halt shipments to the U.S. devastated millions of Americans looking to buy throw pillows that look like chicken legs.
Evangelicals Furious After Trump Shares Sacrilegious Photo Of Himself As Bibleman
U.S. — Evangelicals are furious after President Trump shared a sacrilegious picture of himself as the famous Christian-themed superhero Bibleman.
Man Carries Grocery Basket Like Dainty Village Girl Skipping Through Orchard Picking Apples
KINGSPORT, TN — According to sources, a local man was seen at the store carrying a grocery basket like a dainty village girl skipping through the orchard picking apples.
Trump To Expand Alcatraz By Putting Up Fence Around San Francisco
U.S. — A new era of dealing with depraved lawbreakers dawned today, as President Donald Trump vowed to reopen and expand Alcatraz by putting up a fence around the entire city of San Francisco.
New, Improved Hymnals To Include Silly Songs With Larry
U.S. — The Baptist Church has released a new, improved hymnal which contains all of the Silly Songs sung by Larry the Cucumber.
Chipotle Announces Plans To Get Even Worse
NEWPORT BEACH, CA — Chipotle executives unveiled plans today for the restaurant chain to somehow get even worse.
Bill Belichick’s Girlfriend Leaves Him For Lou Holtz
CHAPEL HILL, NC — Sources close to Jordon Hudson confirmed today that the 24-year-old has officially dumped Bill Belichick for Lou Holtz.
Conductor Asks Congregation To Stop Yelling ‘Freebird!’ During Handbell Performance
FORT WAYNE, IN — Handbell choir conductor Matthew Grey was recently forced to ask the congregation to stop yelling "FREEBIRD!" during handbell performances.
Marco Rubio Named Interim Lawn Guy
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of firing long-time White House lawn guy Juarez Stevenson, Secretary of State Marco Rubio scored yet another position today, with Trump naming Rubio interim Lawn Guy.
Dems Update Statue Of Liberty To Say ‘Give Me Your Wife Beaters’
U.S. — Democrats have updated the famous "New Colossus" poem on the Statue of Liberty to simply read, "Give us your wife beaters."
Democrats Warn Cutting State Propaganda Will Lead To Fascism
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Democrats sounded an alarm Friday, warning that cutting funding for state-sponsored propaganda programs would lead to fascism.
9 Deadly Consequences Of Defunding NPR
President Trump just defunded NPR… but at what cost? A survey of leading economists and media analysts may surprise you.
Trump Raises 25% Tariffs On All Brick Trades In Catan
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Gamers around the world expressed outrage and uncertainty about the future of the global economy after President Donald Trump raised 25% tariffs on all brick trades in Settlers of Catan.
Good News: The Duck Hunt Dog Has Passed Away
KYOTO — The "Duck Hunt Dog" from the classic video game Duck Hunt has died, Nintendo announced Friday.
Pitching Machine Tosses No-Hitter Against Local Dad
RANCHO-CUCAMONGA, CA — In a historic display of baseball prowess, a pitching machine tossed a no-hitter against local dad Keith Malvern.
After PBS Defunded, All Sesame Street Characters Forced To Move In With Oscar
SESAME STREET — Following President Donald Trump’s executive order to strip federal funding from PBS, residents of Sesame Street were forced to pack their bags and move in with Oscar the Grouch just to survive.
‘Hey Man, Want Any Red No. 40?’ Asks Dealer Opening Trench Coat
CHICAGO, IL — Authorities are advising citizens to avoid secluded alleyways due to reports of a suspicious individual wearing a trench coat who allegedly tries to sell people Red Dye No. 40, a known contraband.
Man From Pennsylvania Under Impression He Has Eaten Mexican Food
SCRANTON, PA — A group of friends received a detailed critique of popular south-of-the-border cuisine recently from a Pennsylvania man who was apparently under the impression that he had eaten actual Mexican food before.
Tim Walz Volunteers To Wear Gorilla Suit And Wrestle 100 Men
ST. PAUL, MN — Amid online controversy about whether 100 men could defeat one gorilla, former VP candidate Tim Walz has graciously volunteered this week to don a Gorilla suit and wrestle 100 men.
Trump Secures Nifty Geode In Ukrainian Minerals Deal
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of a finalized Ukrainian minerals deal, President Trump has reportedly received a nifty little geode he can show off to friends.
Bad Timing: Kilmar Abrego Garcia Honored With MS-13 ‘Employee Of The Month’ Award
HYATTSVILLE, MD — Any goodwill extended toward a controversially deported El Salvadorian man took a hit this week due to a case of bad timing, as Kilmar Abrego Garcia was honored with MS-13’s "Employee of the Month" award.