ESCONDIDO, CA — According to sources, local man Randy Rivera was disappointed to discover that wearing his favorite sports team’s shirt apparently served as an open invitation for any random stranger to talk to him.
Babylon Bee
11 New Artifacts Trump Ordered The Smithsonian To Display
In addition to ordering a comprehensive review of the Smithsonian museums to root out "wokeness," President Donald Trump has reportedly provided the institutions with a list of new items to display instead.
Man Tells Subway Worker He’s Looking For Something With Stopping Power That’s Compact And Easy To Conceal
WASHINGTON, D.C. — An unidentified man at a local Subway location was seen asking the Sandwich Artist on duty if they had a sandwich that has good stopping power that’s also compact and easy to conceal.
JB Pritzker Joins Police Force In Hopes Of Getting Sandwich Thrown At Him
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Illinois Governor JB Pritzker reportedly joined the fray as a law enforcement officer in the nation’s capital in hopes of getting a sandwich thrown at him.
10 Telltale Signs Of Dangerous Authoritarianism
In case you haven’t already heard, you’re living in an oppressive, authoritarian dictatorship now. Don’t believe it? It’s easy to see once you know what to look for.
Renaissance Artist Finishes Masterpiece That Will One Day Be Great Training Data For AI
ROME — Renaissance artist Vicente De Antonio put the finishing touches on a new painting that he hoped would someday be used to train AI on how to recreate Renaissance paintings.
Federal Court Requires Nuns To Start Worshiping Molech
PHILADELPHIA, PA — In a landmark ruling that was sure to have far-reaching consequences, a federal court ruled that a group of Catholic nuns would be immediately required to start worshiping Molech.
Gavin Newsom Vows To Double California’s Violent Crime If Trump Doesn’t Stop Cleaning Up D.C.
SACRAMENTO, CA — In his ongoing public sparring with the administration over its agenda, Governor Gavin Newsom vowed to double California’s violent crime rate if President Donald Trump refused to stop cleaning up Washington, D.C.
Trump Heads to Alaska to Negotiate Historic Truce Between Humans, Bears
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump departed the White House today, with Air Force One scheduled to touch down at Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson (JBER) ahead of a historic meeting to broker a truce between humans and bears.
Adam Schiff Worried Legal Troubles Will Make It Hard For Him To Afford His Upcoming Head Reduction Surgery
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of a whistleblower’s claim that he approved the leaking of classified information in an attempt to take down President Donald Trump, Senator Adam Schiff expressed worry that his legal troubles would make it hard for him to afford his upcoming head reduction…
Investigation: Mysterious Bettor ‘Shoberto Ohnandez’ Placed $15 Million Wager On Angels Last Night
LOS ANGELES — An investigation has revealed that a secretive bettor going by the name "Shoberto Ohnandez" placed a massive $15 million wager on the Los Angeles Angels to win last night.
Dallas Cowboys Ask If Fans Can Throw Those Green Things At Them Like People Do At WNBA Games
DALLAS — After viewing footage of the controversial items being thrown at WNBA games, Cowboys players expressed a degree of interest in having similar objects thrown at them this season.
Man’s Self Esteem Yet To Recover From Time 7 Years Ago Online Quiz Put Him In Hufflepuff
DAVENPORT, IA — According to insiders, the self esteem of local man Jacob Filch has yet to recover from a time seven years prior when an online Harry Potter quiz put him in Hufflepuff.
Puzzled DC Police Chief Asks Reporters, ‘What Is This Black And White Car That Goes Wee-oo Wee-oo?’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A press conference to update the media on the department’s ongoing efforts to rein in crime following President Donald Trump’s threat to federalize the city was briefly interrupted today but a loud noise, leading DC Police Chief Pamela Smith to ask journalists what was causing…
7 Major Advantages Of Female Umpires
While naysayers doubted Major League Baseball’s decision to hire its first female umpire, the advantages have already proved undeniable. Here are seven huge benefits of having lady umps:
10 Sneaky Ways To Share The Gospel Without Letting People Know You’re A Christian
Sharing the Good News can be awkward and nerve-wracking, but it’s a command from our Lord, so you’d better do it. But how? Are there any ways to do it on the sly so nobody outs you as one of those weirdo Christians?
Trump Negotiates Russian Ceasefire By Giving Putin California
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The bloody years-long conflict between Ukraine and Russia was finally brought to an end this week, as President Donald Trump successfully negotiated a ceasefire between the countries by agreeing to give Vladimir Putin California.
‘Crime is Down In DC!’ Shouts Journalist Currently Being Pummeled By Group Of Thugs
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Shocking dozens of viewers, a CNN journalist was nearly beaten to death by a group of thugs during a live broadcast while reporting that crime is down in D.C.
Tucker Carlson Releases Exclusive Interview With Dredged-Up Corpse Of Osama Bin Laden
WOODSTOCK, ME — In an episode of his program that was sure to create significant buzz online, Tucker Carlson announced an exclusive interview with the dredged-up corpse of long-dead terrorist leader Osama bin Laden.
Jerome Powell Says He Won’t Lower Interest Rates Until He Can Be Sure It Won’t Help Trump
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell confirmed Tuesday he will not lower interest rates until he can be sure it won’t help President Trump.
Democrat Mayors Report Violent Crime Down 40% Since They Redefined ‘Violent’ and ‘Crime’
U.S. — Despite claims by President Donald Trump that American cities are being overrun by criminals, Democrat mayors across the country reported that violent crime was actually down 40% since they redefined the words "violent" and "crime".
New Movie Has Jim Caviezel Playing Every Character From Entire Bible
U.S. — A Biblical epic in development at Angel Studios will reportedly star American actor Jim Caviezel as every single character from the entire Bible.
Vigilante Justice: Trump Dresses Up As Bat And Patrols Streets Of DC
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Left without other practical options in a city overwhelmed by violent crime, President Donald Trump reportedly decided to dispense vigilante justice by dressing up like a giant bat and patrolling the streets of D.C.
10 Undeniable Reasons Communist China Is Way Better Than America
Glory to glorious leader, President Xi!
In Lieu Of Dystopian Sci-Fi Movie, American Just Watching News From England
U.S. — According to sources, Americans no longer need dystopian sci-fi novels to serve as ominous warnings of authoritarian control or societal collapse, as they now have England for that.
Trump Vows To Drastically Reduce The Number Of Criminals In Washington By Sending Congress Home
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to growing concern across the country about rampant crime in the nation’s capital, President Donald Trump vowed to drastically reduce the number of criminals in Washington, D.C., by sending members of Congress home.
DC Mayor Warns Trump’s Crime Fighting Measures Will Unfairly Impact Criminals
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the announcement that the president had ordered the federalization of law enforcement in the nation’s capital, Washington, D.C., Mayor Muriel Bowser warned that Trump’s crime-fighting measures would unfairly impact criminals.
8 Changes Trump Is Making To The 2028 Olympics
After declaring himself chair of the 2028 Olympic Task Force, President Trump wasted no time in making much-needed alterations to the summer games. Here are eight changes that will be coming when the Olympics heads to Los Angeles:
Spirit Flight Attendant Says In The Event Of A Water Landing Lifejackets Will Be Available For $39.99
U.S. — Spirit Airlines flight attendants have begun advertising that in the event of a water landing, passengers will have the option of purchasing a lifejacket for $39.99.
Study Finds Alcohol Sales Spike Sharply During VBS
U.S. — A national study has found massive spikes in alcohol sales whenever a Vacation Bible School is hosted nearby.