NEW YORK, NY — In addition to announcing that music star Bad Bunny would be performing, the National Football League issued a follow-up statement revealing that the Super Bowl halftime show would also feature authentic MS-13 backup dancers.
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Saudi-Owned EA Will No Longer Allow Women To Play ‘Need For Speed’
RIYADH — Among the many expected changes coming to the popular developer’s line of video games following its sale, the now Saudi-owned EA will no longer allow women to play Need for Speed.
10 Changes Hegseth Is Making To Military Health Requirements
New military fitness standards were all the buzz today, as Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that all personnel would be expected to meet higher criteria moving forward. But what, exactly, will be required?
Pete Hegseth Hires Hans, Franz To Get Generals Into Shape
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Facing an alarming health crisis across the U.S. military leadership, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced on Tuesday that he had hired legendary fitness trainers Hans and Franz to get all the top generals into shape.
Hamas Rejects Deal To End Genocide After Learning It Would Require Them To Stop Killing Jews
GAZA — Despite early reports that the Palestinian terrorist organization was open to accepting the terms of President Donald Trump’s brokered peace plan, Hamas rejected the deal to end alleged genocide in the region after learning it would require them to stop killing Jews.
Researchers Believe Autism Is Caused By Trains Being So Gosh Darned Cool
U.S. — A groundbreaking study of the factors contributing to autism has convinced scientists and doctors that autism is most likely caused by trains being so gosh darned cool.
Trump Gives Israel And Palestine Tablets To Play With So They’ll Stop Fighting
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Great Negotiator has done it again: President Donald Trump recently unveiled a genius plan to give Israel and Palestine tablets to play with so that they’ll stop fighting.
Wife Says She Stayed Up All Night Thinking About What You Said About Her Overthinking Things
SALT LAKE CITY — Local wife Alison Weaver told her husband Matt she was up all night thinking about what he told her earlier that day about her overthinking stuff too much.
Mormons Respond To Attack By Continuing To Be Amazingly Kind To Everyone
GRAND BLANC, MI — Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints responded to the tragic attacks on one of their locations by continuing to be nice and friendly to everyone they met.
Smart: This Man Joined The Mets So He Could Get Whole October Off Every Year
NEW YORK, NY — In a move experts now hail as one of the more shrewd decisions made in the professional sports world in the last several years, star baseball player Juan Soto revealed that he joined the Mets so he could get the entire month of October…