Lots of people try to remake Jesus in their own image by viewing His life through the lens of their culture, but this is a remarkably offensive way to view the King of Kings. Unless you’re American. We spoke to actual theologians to discuss the validity of Jesus…
Babylon Bee
Grandma Wonders Why Skillet Can’t Just Make Nice, Pretty Songs Riddled With False Doctrine Like Normal Christian Bands
SHAWNEE, KS — On the heels of the band’s new release of a thrashing version of the classic Christmas hymn "O Come, O Come Emmanuel," a local grandma wondered why Skillet couldn’t just make nice, pretty songs riddled with false doctrine like normal Christian bands.
With Internet Down, Your Uncle Now Forced To Go Door-To-Door To Share Fake News
BREAKING — Authorities issued an urgent bulletin this morning, notifying the public to be aware that, due to this morning’s widespread internet outage, your uncle had been forced to go door-to-door to share fake news.
Thousands Of Potentially Career-Ending Posts Thwarted By Internet Outage
U.S. — Thanks to Tuesday’s global Internet outage, tens of thousands of career-ending social media posts were thwarted.
Megachurch Now Lets Congregants Set Pastor To 2x Preaching Speed
IRVINE, CA — In an attempt to draw in more members, New Hope Crosspointe Church introduced a new feature this past Sunday, allowing congregants to set the pastor to a 2x speaking speed so they can end the service faster and get back to their lives.
Mom Needs You To Come Over And Fix Whatever She Did To The TV
U.S. — According to sources, your mom just called because she desperately needs to talk to you. She needs you to come over and fix whatever she did to the TV.
Troubling New Survey Shows 90 Percent Of Graduating High School Seniors Don’t Know The Airspeed Velocity Of An Unladen Swallow
PALO ALTO, CA — A startling new study out of Stanford University shows almost all graduating high school seniors in the U.S. are unable to recall the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow.
Scholars Now Believe Number Of The Beast Is Actually 67
JERUSALEM — In a development which many see as an irrefutable sign of the impeding end times, biblical scholars and historians have reached a consensus that the Number of the Beast is actually 67.
Flintstones Vitamins With Ozempic Now Available For Fat Kids
MORRISTOWN, NJ — Drug manufacturer Bayer announced this week that they are releasing their popular Flintstones vitamins with added Ozempic to help slim down fat kids.
Teenager Struggling To Stay Awake After Only Getting 14 Hours Of Sleep
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Sources say local teenager Ben Jackson was really struggling to stay awake the day after only getting 14 hours of sleep.