U.S. — The new report released this week indicated that your wife’s love language had been confirmed to be sending you Instagram reels every day that you don’t watch.
Babylon Bee
REPORT: If You Read This Headline You Are A Racist DO NOT READ
URGENT — A new report indicates that if you read this headline, you are, in fact, a racist.
Gleeful Weatherman Excitedly Announces Dangerous Storm Likely To Kill Everyone
TOLEDO, OH — Local weatherman Glen Dickson gleefully informed CBS 11 viewers that a giant storm was heading their way and that it was likely to kill everyone in its path.
First Astronauts On Mars Greeted By Mormon Missionaries
MARS — In what scientists called the most significant discovery in the history of space exploration, the first astronauts to touch down on the Red Planet were greeted on Friday by two young men in short-sleeved white dress shirts and black name tags.
Aging George Soros Hoping To Ruin Just One More Country Before The End
KATONAH, NY — As the geopolitical landscape continued to prepare for a changing of the guard, aging billionaire powerbroker George Soros expressed hope that he could ruin just one more country before the end.
‘Sinners’ Nominated For ‘Best Movie We Have To Nominate Or Else We Will Be Called Racist’
HOLLYWOOD, CA — The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences released its list of Oscar nominees for 2026, with Sinners being nominated for "Best Movie We Have To Nominate Or Else We Will Be Called Racist."
Apple Engineers Working Feverishly To Somehow Make Next iOS Update Even Worse
CUPERTINO, CA — Sources within Apple’s Software Engineering Division confirmed that their team was working around the clock to make the next iOS update even worse than the current one.
Ms. Rachel Apologizes For Accidentally Spray-Painting ‘Go Away Jews’ On A Synagogue
NEW YORK, NY — The woman behind YouTube’s most popular and beloved educational content for children found herself in hot water, as Ms. Rachel issued a public apology for accidentally spray-painting "GO AWAY JEWS" on a synagogue.
Exhausted White Liberal Women Clock In For Another Long Day Protecting Migrant Sex Offenders
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Another long day of work was on the docket, as white liberal women clocked in for another long day of protesting the arrest of migrant sex offenders.
Pam Bondi Says She Has Finally Figured Out What DOJ Stands For
U.S. — Attorney General Pam Bondi has announced that after almost a year on the job, she has finally figured out what the acronym "DOJ" stands for.