ALEXANDRIA, VA — Inspired by the Trump White House’s move toward 50-year mortgages, popular burger chain Five Guys announced it would be addressing the ongoing "Five Guys Affordability Crisis" with convenient 50-year burger financing.
Babylon Bee
Dodge Introduces New Truck Headlights That Blast Gamma Ray Bursts Into Your Eyeballs
AUBURN HILLS, MI — Truck manufacturer Dodge unveiled new headlights today that would come standard with new models and were designed specifically to blast gamma ray bursts into your eyeballs.
Bose Introduces New Mariah Carey-Canceling Headphones For Christmas
FRAMINGHAM, MA — Going out in public during the holiday season without being overcome with the desire to shove an icepick in your ears will be possible once again this year, as Bose introduced its new Mariah Carey-canceling headphones just in time for Christmas.
Shoe Manufacturers Rush To Design New Nickel Loafers
U.S. — With the penny no longer being minted, shoe manufacturers announced that they were working hard to replace the old penny loafer slip-on shoe design with an exciting new nickel loafer.
Poem On Statue Of Liberty Updated To Read ‘No Fatties’
NEW YORK, NY — As part of a change in immigration policy designed to limit the incoming of foreign nationals with chronic health issues, the poem posted on the Statue of Liberty was updated to read "No Fatties."
Children’s Church Sermon Jam-Packed With Heresies
DALLAS, TX — The children’s pastor of Flame Passion Born Again Friends Fellowship Church caught the community’s attention after she gave an inspiring children’s church teaching that was once again jam-packed with heresies.
Megyn Kelly Gets Rid Of Old Pager Just To Be Safe
NEW YORK, NY — Political commentator Megyn Kelly quietly tossed her pager in the trash this week in what her team described as "an abundance of caution."
10 Other Commandments That Didn’t Make The Cut
The Ten Commandments have long been seen as the backbone of societal laws for thousands of years, but did you know that there were other commandments that didn’t make the list?
Liberal’s Emotional Support Dog Gets Emotional Support Dog
SEATTLE — Jenny McCoy, a local bookstore clerk with deep anxiety over climate change, reportedly transferred so much of her own trauma over to her emotional support dog that her emotional support dog had gotten an emotional support dog.
Tucker Carlson Builds Time Machine To Kill Baby Churchill
WOODSTOCK, ME — On a mission to set right the great wrongs perpetrated upon the world during World War II, controversial media personality Tucker Carlson announced that he had built a time machine to go back to the past and kill baby Winston Churchill.