SEATTLE — Jenny McCoy, a local bookstore clerk with deep anxiety over climate change, reportedly transferred so much of her own trauma over to her emotional support dog that her emotional support dog had gotten an emotional support dog.
Babylon Bee
Tucker Carlson Builds Time Machine To Kill Baby Churchill
WOODSTOCK, ME — On a mission to set right the great wrongs perpetrated upon the world during World War II, controversial media personality Tucker Carlson announced that he had built a time machine to go back to the past and kill baby Winston Churchill.
Trump Replaces Pennies With Cool New POGs
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After 232 years of continuous production, the final U.S. penny was minted in Philadelphia on Wednesday. To fill the void left in its absence, President Donald Trump reportedly instructed the U.S. Mint to move away from traditional currency and transition directly into the development of…
Scientific Algorithm Determines Most Oppressed Person In History Is Michelle Obama
PALO ALTO, CA — A recent survey conducted by an advanced digital algorithm conclusively determined that the most oppressed person in the history of the world is, without a doubt, Michelle Obama.
Democratss Somberly Remove Sombreros, Signaling End Of Shutdown
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the Senate approving a new funding bill and sending it across the hall for a House of Representatives vote set for Wednesday night, a group of top Democrats somberly removed their sombreros to signal the end of the government shutdown.
Democrats Somberly Remove Sombreros, Signaling End Of Shutdown
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the Senate approving a new funding bill and sending it across the hall for a House of Representatives vote set for Wednesday night, a group of top Democrats somberly removed their sombreros to signal the end of the government shutdown.
Spirit Airlines Hires Joe Rogan To Commentate Mid-Air Fights
U.S. — Longtime UFC commentator Joe Rogan has officially signed a contract with Spirit Airlines to cover mid-air fights.
Heartwarming: Group Of Senile Senior Citizens Finally Finds Employment
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bit of uplifting news today, a group of senile senior citizens in the D.C. area will finally be able to say that they have jobs.
Aw Crap: You’re In Line To Give An Account Of Your Life To God Right After Tim Tebow
HEAVEN — After throwing off this mortal coil, local man Kevin Reese was prepared to give an account of his life to God, only to find himself in line right behind Tim Tebow.
With Most Players Arrested For Gambling, Air Bud Finally Called Up To NBA
MIAMI, FL — Now that a majority of players have been arrested on charges of illegal sports gambling, the Miami Heat announced that the golden retriever affectionately known as "Air Bud" had finally been called up to play in the NBA.