SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Kathleen Kennedy was reportedly very sad to leave Lucasfilm before she had the chance to make a trilogy of Star Wars movies about Rey getting her first period.
Babylon Bee
‘Shhh… You’ll Get Your Chance Soon,’ Says Trump Soothing B-2 Bombers In Hangar
TUSCON, AZ — During a routine aircraft inspection at the 309th Aerospace Maintenance and Regeneration Group at Davis-Monthan Air Force Base, inspectors witnessed President Trump approach a Northrop B-2 Spirit stealth bomber and gently caress it while whispering, "Shhh… you’ll get your chance soon."
Minnesota Changes Official State Bird To Screaming Lesbian
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Following recent developments stemming from political protests and clashes with the federal government across the state, Minnesota announced that it had changed the official state bird to a screaming lesbian.
Trump Delays Iran Attack Until Consulting With Whoopi Goldberg
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to an anonymous White House source, a U.S. military strike on Iran had been delayed until President Donald Trump could consult with Whoopi Goldberg.
New Starfleet Vessel Unable To Reach Warp Speed Because Crew Is Too Fat
SPACE, THE FINAL FRONTIER — The exploration of other strange, new worlds and the seeking out of new life and new civilizations hit an unexpected snag this week, as Starfleet’s newest vessel was reportedly unable to reach warp speed because the crew was too fat.
Listen Up, Ladies! Here Are 8 Beauty Tips To Help You Attract A Hunky Conservative Dude
Every woman wants a hunky, conservative dude to marry. The hard part is knowing how to attract them.
Listen Up, Ladies! Here Are 9 Beauty Tips To Help You Attract A Hunky Conservative Dude
Every woman wants a hunky, conservative dude to marry. The hard part is knowing how to attract them.
NATO Begs U.S. For Emergency Funding So They Can Defend Greenland From U.S.
BRUSSELS — Amid the looming threat of a U.S. military takeover of Greenland, NATO requested emergency aid from the U.S. to help it defend Greenland from the U.S.
Progressive Researchers Claim They Are 15-20 Years From Finding Out What A Woman Is
U.S. — Progressive researchers working with the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU ) said they were only a mere 15-20 years away from finding out what a woman is.
Ominous Sign? New Army Recruitment Ads Say ‘Visit Lovely Greenland’
U.S. — In yet another potentially ominous sign that President Donald Trump was dead-set on the United States acquiring the territory for strategic and national security purposes, new U.S. Army recruitment ads offered prospective enlistees the opportunity to "Visit Lovelty Greenland."