U.S. — One of the country’s most heavily scrutinized Senate races was thrown into chaos over the weekend, as the nation was shocked to learn that a candidate with a Nazi tattoo turned out to be a total scumbag.
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Jimmy Kimmel Signs Endorsement Deal With Midol
U.S. — Late-night host Jimmy Kimmel has officially signed an endorsement deal with Midol.
Democrats Denounce ‘Dirty Trick’ Of Playing Videos Of James Talarico Saying Things
U.S. — Democrats have forcefully condemned Republicans for going so low as to play videos of Senate candidate James Talarico saying things.
Man Watching Blue Origin Explode Just Glad To Know Wife’s Amazon Purchases Could Finance This
COLUMBIA, SC — Watching in awe as Blue Origin’s New Glenn rocket exploded in spectacular fashion, local man Dennis Rogers was glad to finally see what his wife’s Amazon purchases had funded.
Tearful LeBron James Hands Over Flopping Crown To Shai Gilgeous-Alexander
OKLAHOMA CITY, OK — In a touching ceremony, basketball legend LeBron James finally passed the official "King of Flops" crown on to the Oklahoma City Thunder’s Shai Gilgeous-Alexander.
Democrats Criticize Trump For Holding MMA Match On The Hallowed Ground Where Biden Hosted Topless Trannies
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington Democrats condemned President Donald Trump this week for "violating the sanctity of the White House" by daring to host a professional MMA fight on the same hallowed grounds where Biden once welcomed topless trannies.
Check Out These 10 Verses From The New James Talarico Bible Translation
Senatorial candidate James Talarico is taking the world by storm thanks to his no-nonsense approach to compromising on Christianity. Now, with the new James Talarico Bible translation, you can wield the Word of God with just as much inaccuracy.
Megyn Kelly Tells Listeners They Can Save 20% On Brooklyn Bedding With Promo Code ‘ALLAHUAKBAR’
U.S. — Former journalist Megyn Kelly announced on her podcast today that listeners could now save 20% on products from sponsor Brooklyn Bedding by using the promo code "ALLAHUAKBAR."
In Interest Of Fairness, Scripps To Begin Also Hosting Non-Indian Kid Spelling Bee
U.S. — In an attempt to give others a chance, the Scripps National Spelling Bee will heretofore offer a separate competition for non-Indian kids.
As Gas Crisis Worsens, Congress Assures Americans They Are Working Hard On Regulating NCAA Transfer Portal
WASHINGTON D.C. — With Americans struggling as gasoline costs continue to soar, Congress assured citizens that it remained laser-focused on fixing the issues with the NCAA transfer portal.