KASHYYYK — A therapist working with famed Star Wars icon Chewbacca told his colleagues this week that he was trying to teach the Wookiee how to deal with his anger issues in more constructive ways that don’t involve ripping people’s arms off. Dr. Aris Thorne, a licensed galactic…
Babylon Bee
Newsom Designates California Sanctuary State For Fraud
SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom signed legislation on Friday officially designating California a sanctuary state for fraud.
10 Consequences Of Harambe’s Death
Ten years ago, this world lost one of its greatest heroes: Harambe, the gorilla. Friend to many and beloved by all, the loss of Harambe left a gaping hole that changed the course of history.
James Talarico Taking ‘Not Acting Gay’ Lessons from Tim Walz
AUSTIN, TX — James Talarico drew attention in recent months with his candidacy for Texas senator, but he reportedly had a bit of trouble appealing to the average Texan. To help with that, the Democratic Party sent in Minnesota Governor Tim Walz to give him "not acting gay"…
Google Searches For Military School Skyrocket Ten Minutes Into Summer Vacation
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Search engine giant Google released data this week showing that searches for "military schools near me" skyrocketed about ten minutes into the first day of summer vacation.
Elizabeth Warren Vows New Tax On Puppies
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Arizona Senator Elizabeth Warren called for a dramatic change to the U.S. tax code that would apply an additional 90% tax rate on puppies.
Jill Biden Explains She Thought Joe Had A Stroke During Debate, Which Is Why She Left Him Up There To Die
REHOBOTH BEACH, DE — Former First Lady Dr. Jill Biden revealed in an interview that she thought her husband Joe was having a stroke during the 2024 Presidential debate, which is why she left him up on stage to die.
Family Hit Hard By Rising Cost Of Necessities Like Gas, Groceries, Netflix, DoorDash, Discount Wine Club, Pie-Of-The-Month Subscription
KANSAS CITY, KS — With economic concerns still growing across the United States, one local family explained that they feel they have been hit especially hard by the price of necessities like gas, groceries, Netflix, DoorDash, Discount Wine Club, and their Pie-of-the-Month subscription, and other basic essentials.
California Passes Law Making It A Crime To Report A Crime
SACRAMENTO, CA — In a decisive move toward preventing any citizen journalists from uncovering massive fraud and corruption in the state moving forward, California officially passed a law making it a crime to report a crime.
‘Jesus Never Said You Can’t Do This!’ Shouts James Talarico While Dropkicking Labradoodle
AUSTIN, TX — Representative James Talarico was seen today gleefully dropkicking a labradoodle as he assured onlookers that Jesus had never explicitly said that you can’t dropkick a labradoodle.