U.S. — For the first time since 1992, the United States planned to resume nuclear weapons testing. President Donald Trump ordered the Pentagon to resume tests immediately and to "get the guys from Dude Perfect" to do it.
Babylon Bee
Idiot Tries To Rob Bank In Gotham City, Where Batman Lives
GOTHAM CITY — A foolish thief found himself in the hospital recovering from a dislocated shoulder, a fractured wrist, three broken ribs, and a shattered pelvis after foolishly trying to rob a bank in the same city where Batman lives.
Pope Leo Canonizes The 1996-98 Chicago Bulls
VATICAN CITY — In a move that drew criticism of bias toward his hometown teams, Pope Leo XIV officially canonized the 1996-98 Chicago Bulls.
Trump To Grant Canada Independence If Blue Jays Win World Series
TORONTO — The stakes for the final two games of the Major League Baseball season grew even higher this week, as President Donald Trump announced that he would grant Canada independence if the Blue Jays won the World Series.
4-Year-Old Rebel Defies Convention And Climbs Up Slide
BORGER, TX — Rebellious four-year-old Brayden Wheeler defied millennia of norms and convention this morning as instead of going down the slide at the playground, he climbed up.
8 Ways To Tell If Your News Program Is Biased
Watching or reading the news can be tricky these days. Learning the straight facts without knowing if it’s being spun in a specific direction to fit a narrative is more difficult now than ever before. But how can you tell if your news source is biased?
Al-Qaeda Activating Sleeper Cells To Help Get Out The Vote For Mamdani
NEW YORK, NY — According to reports from top intelligence agencies, Al-Qaeda is activating its terrorist sleeper cells to help get out the vote for Zohran Mamdani.
AOC Tells Mom Giving Birth To Get A Real Job
BRONIX, NY — According to witnesses at the scene, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez burst into a birthing suite at local Montefiore Hospital to tell off a woman in labor that she should get a real job.
Report Reveals Biden Allowed Over 2,000,000 Flood Lifeforms Across Southern Border
U.S — According to a Department of Homeland Security report, former President Joe Biden’s soft border policies allowed 2,000,000 Flood lifeforms over the border.
Woman Awarded Trophy For Enduring 17 Hours Of Senseless Agony Instead Of Getting Epidural
MILWAUKEE, WI — After hours of horrifying agony and non-stop screaming, local woman Jessica Poulter was awarded a cool trophy for giving birth without an epidural.