ARLINGTON, VA — As the government shut-down drags on, furloughed TSA agents have begun going door-to-door offering to grope people for free.
Babylon Bee
Democrats Vow To Starve As Many Food Stamp Recipients As It Takes To Get Free Healthcare For Illegal Immigrants
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats have taken a bold stand by vowing to starve as many food stamp recipients as it takes to get free healthcare for illegal immigrants.
Due To Depleted Bullpen, Jason Bateman To Pitch Game 4 For Dodgers
LOS ANGELES, CA — After Monday night’s epic 18-inning marathon Game 3 severely depleted their bullpen, the Los Angeles Dodgers announced that actor Jason Bateman would take the mound for the team in Game 4.
Trump Asks Elon If He Can Come Up With A Way To Supply 1.21 Gigawatts Of Power To A DeLorean
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, President Donald Trump broached the subject of scientific collaboration this week with Tesla Founder and CEO Elon Musk, asking if he could come up with a way to supply precisely 1.21 gigawatts of power to a DeLorean.
Dad Excited To Show Family Horrifyingly Violent Movie From 1970s That Has The Same Rating As ‘Toy Story 3’
TULSA, OK — Local dad William Madsen announced he was excited to show his kids some of the horror and action movies he loved from the 1970s, which must be ok because they’re rated the same as those Toy Story movies.
Dad Accepted Into Ninja School After Leaping Under Garage Door As It’s Closing
COLUMBUS, OH — Local dad Tripp Cashton was elated to receive his acceptance to Ninja School after nailing the feat of leaping under a garage door just as it closed.
America’s Obesity Crisis Solved As EBT Benefits Run Out
U.S. — The American Medial Association announced the long battle with American obesity had finally come to an end thanks to EBT benefits running out amidst the ongoing government shut down.
‘VeggieTales’ Releases New Episode With Evil Orange Character Who Deports Mr. Lunt
U.S. — Real-world current events spilled over into children’s entertainment once again, as VeggieTales released a new episode with an evil orange character who deports Mr. Lunt.
Toddler Clocks In For Another Long Day Working In The Play Kitchen
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO — Local toddler Wyatt Carlson clocked in for another long day working at the play kitchen his parents bought him for his birthday.
Newsom Continues To Endanger Public By Issuing Drivers’ Licenses To Women
SACRAMENTO, CA — Gavin Newsom has doubled down on California’s commitment to endangering public safety by issuing driver’s licenses to women.