NASHVILLE, TN — The Southern Baptist Convention voted to adopt a new church policy on Wednesday where tasers can be used on visitors who try to sneak past the church greeters.
Babylon Bee
White House Announces Iran Deal Completely Done Except For All The Important Parts
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite ongoing bombing operations being carried out in recent days, members of the Trump White House announced that the peace deal with Iran was completely done except for all the important parts.
Oh No: Band Going to Play Something From New Album
RED ROCKS, CO — Local concertgoers experienced a wave of dread Friday night when indie-rock front man Julian Vance announced the band was going to "play a little something from the new album."
Canadian Grandma Excited To Hear Her Family Is Paying To Hire A MAID
CALGARY — One elderly woman was convinced that her life was soon going to change forever, as the Canadian grandmother expressed excitement after hearing that her family was preparing to hire a MAID.
Democrats Hopeful Average Texas Voter Wants To Ban Steak And Thinks God Is Gay
TEXAS — With the field now set for the Texas Senate race, Democrats are hopeful that the average Texan voter wants to ban steak and believes God is gay.
Wife Says Her Love Language Is All Of Them And You’re Going To Have To Guess Which One She Wants Today
PROVO, UT — Local wife Allie Goodman told her husband that she identified with all five of the common "love languages," and she was not sure which one she wanted today, but he was just going to have to guess.
Tragedy: Multiple Trump Assassins Accidentally Shoot Each Other
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Tragedy unfolded in the nation’s capital again today, as multiple assassins attempting to kill President Donald Trump accidentally shot each other.
Weird: High School Valedictorian Not Asian
LA PUENTE, CA — Bucking years of tradition, the valedictorian at a local high school is reportedly not in any way Asian.
Physicians At Walter Reed Confirm Trump’s Midi-Chlorian Count Is Off The Charts
BETHESDA, MD — Results from President Donald Trump’s 6-month physical at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center appeared to show that his midi-chlorian count is "off the charts."
Noah Fined By HOA For Parking Boat In Driveway
MESOPOTAMIA — Local righteous man Noah was the recipient of a hefty fine from his HOA today over parking a large boat in the middle of his driveway.