SULLIVAN, ME — Following yet another scandal that engulfed his campaign for a U.S. Senate seat in Maine, Democrat Graham Platner reassured voters that there were probably only 14 or 15 more horrific revelations to come.
Babylon Bee
40-Year Old Man Now Spends Inordinate Amount Of Time Researching Electrolytes
SAN ANTONIO, TX — Sources confirmed that local 40-year-old Marcus Harper officially entered the developmental stage of adulthood characterized by an intense, borderline-religious obsession with researching electrolytes.
John Bolton Pleads Guilty, Sentenced To 5-Year Imprisonment At SeaWorld
SAN DIEGO, CA — According to breaking news reports, John Bolton agreed to plead guilty to one count of illegally retaining classified national security information in exchange for only serving five years confined to a walrus exhibit at Sea World.
10 Irrefutable Proofs Russia Is Better Than The U.S.
Sociological experts and podcasters agree: Living in Russia is far superior to living in the United States. From their pristine subways and plentiful grocery stores to the clearly secure and not-at-all-suspect way they hold elections, Russia is the place to be.
Intensive Bible Study Reveals Elijah And Elisha Are Two Different People
WILBURTON, OK — An intensive Bible study reportedly ended with the dramatic revelation that Elijah and Elisha are two different people.
Man Needing Break From Reality Turns On CNN
FRANKLIN, KY — Following a long day at work in the middle of what had been a stressful week of responsibilities and anxiety, one local man decided to take a much-needed break from reality by turning on CNN.
Ceasefire Rages Across Middle East
Brits Wish There Were Some Kind Of Ranged Weapon That Shoots High-Velocity Ammunition To Protect Them From Knife Attacks
LONDON — As deadly stabbings continued to run unchecked across the United Kingdom, British citizens wished there were some kind of ranged weapon that shoots high-velocity ammunition to protect them from knife attacks.
California Announces They Have Finished Counting The Votes, Ronald Reagan Has Won The 1966 Governor’s Race
SACRAMENTO — California officials announced on Wednesday that they had finally finished counting the votes and Ronald Reagan had officially won the 1966 governor’s race.
’60 Minutes’ Begins Search For New Pompous Blowhard
NEW YORK, NY — After the firing of longtime contributor Scott Pelley due to ongoing conflicts with producers, the long-running CBS News program 60 Minutes began its search for a new pompous blowhard.