We at the Babylon Bee have seen the rage and consternation caused by some of our jokes this week. In order to help everyone take a deep breath and relax, we are simply posting this picture of a bagel that no one could possibly argue about.
Babylon Bee
4D Chess: Trump Announces He Will Begin Deporting One Illegal For Every Run The Dodgers Score
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of the Los Angeles Dodgers actively opposing the deportation of illegal immigrants, President Trump announced today that he will begin deporting one illegal for every run the Dodgers score.
Guy Who Can’t Settle Dispute Between His Toddlers Pretty Sure He Has This Israel-Iran Thing Solved
GRANDVIEW, MO — A local father who spent the entire day failing to settle a dispute between his toddlers later expressed supreme confidence on social media that he had the entire Israel-Iran conflict solved.
Tired Man Drinks Coffee So He Can Feel Both Tired And Irritable
GREEN BAY, WI — In preparation for an early work day, local man David Miles drank a cup of coffee so that, in addition to feeling tired, he could also be irritable.
Man Very Particular About Which Version Of The Bible He Buys And Doesn’t Read
PRINCETON, NJ — Sources close to Jason Newman reported that the 46-year-old had become increasingly picky over which version of the Bible he would buy and not read.
Dodgers Announce MS-13 Bobblehead Night
LOS ANGELES, CA — The Los Angeles Dodgers were hoping to attract large crowds at tonight’s game against the Washington Nationals by offering a limited edition MS-13 bobblehead to commemorate the recent L.A. anti-ICE riots.
Democrats Outraged After Court Rules Commander In Chief Of Armed Forces Can Command Armed Forces
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats were outraged by an appeals court ruling that permitted the Commander in Chief of the United States Armed Forces to command the armed forces.
Iran Clarifies Its New ‘Jew Smasher 3000’ Missile Is Meant Only For Peace
TEHRAN — The Islamic Republic of Iran addressed concerns over the recent acquisition of a brand new ballistic missile called the "Jew Smasher 3000" with a spokesman for the regime insisting that the missile is intended to be used for only peaceful purposes.
Texan Republicans Tip Off State Department That Austin Has Nuclear Weapons
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources within the Trump administration, Texas Republicans tipped off the State Department about the city of Austin being in possession of nuclear weapons.
Democrats Announce They Will Celebrate Juneteenth By Giving Their Slaves An Extra 5-Minute Break
U.S. — Democrats across the country announced that they would be celebrating the Juneteenth holiday by giving their slaves an extra 5-minute break during the day.
User Kicked Off Bluesky For Not Violently Threatening JD Vance
U.S. — According to sources, Bluesky user @stephan34.bsky.social was banned for violating the social media platform’s terms of service by not violently threatening Vice President JD Vance.
‘I Don’t Know If America Should Be Involved In Another Middle Eastern War,’ Says Raging Antisemite
SAN DIEGO, CA — A local man expressed mild concern about the U.S. getting involved in another Middle Eastern War, forever exposing himself as a vile, raging antisemite.
‘Israel Has The Right To Defend Itself,’ Says Pro-War Neocon Zionist Shill
OGDEN, UT — A local man callously expressed support for the state of Israel being allowed to defend itself, forever exposing himself as a pro-war, neocon, Zionist shill.
Technical Foul? WNBA Players Use Caitlin Clark’s Head As A Ball
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Concerns over the harsh treatment endured by the league’s brightest and most popular star grew last night, as WNBA players used Caitlin Clark’s head as a ball for several minutes of play.
Democrats Confused On What Exactly Children Are For If You Can’t Mutilate Or Kill Them
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of the Supreme Court ruling today that states could outlaw mutilating kids, Democrats were left wondering what else kids were good for.
Do You Have Low Testosterone? Look For These Warning Signs
Scientists have confirmed that testosterone levels are falling every generation, but how do you know if you have low T? Here are eleven warning signs to watch out for:
Ted Cruz Destroyed In Interview As He’s Unable To Name Ayatollah’s Favorite Starter Pokemon
U.S. — In an explosive new interview, Tucker Carlson laid into Senator Ted Cruz for not knowing the name of the Iranian Ayatollah’s favorite starter Pokémon.
Canada Continues Time-Honored Tradition Of Being Worse Than The USA At Everything
SUNRISE, FL — Residents of The Great White North exploded into celebration once again last night, as Canada continued its time-honored tradition of being worse than the United States at everything.
Ayatollah Reveals Big Surprise Was How Much He Saved On Car Insurance By Switching To GEICO
TEHRAN — With the world wondering last night what would come of Iran’s ominous warnings, the Ayatollah revealed today the "surprise that would be remembered for centuries" was how much he had saved on car insurance by switching to GEICO.
British Doctor Arrested For Misgendering Baby He Just Murdered
LONDON — Local obstetrician Doctor Roger Davidson was arrested this morning after he allegedly misgendered the baby he just finished killing.
The Babylon Bee Would Like To Alert Trump That The Los Angeles Dodgers Have Obtained Nuclear Weapons
In light of the recent heightened state of affairs stemming from threats around the globe, The Babylon Bee would like to take the opportunity to alert President Donald Trump that the Los Angeles Dodgers have obtained nuclear weapons.
Board Game Rules Explanation Developing Into Hostage Situation
RIVERSIDE, CA — Responding law enforcement agencies reported this afternoon that an ongoing board game rules explanation had developed into a critical hostage situation.
Wise Trump Suggests Cutting The Temple Mount In Half
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Continuing his quest to bring peace to the Middle East and permanently quell hostilities between Jews and Muslims, President Donald Trump wisely suggested cutting the Temple Mount in half.
Depressed Man Never Considered Just Not Being Depressed
RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA — Local depressed man Jason Timberleaf admitted Tuesday that he had never considered solving his predicament by just not being depressed.
9 Creative Ways To Achieve Peace In The Middle East
Despite America’s incredible efforts, the Middle East is once again exploding, with peace in the volatile region seemingly as elusive ever. But take heart! Here are nine creative ways that we can actually achieve true and lasting peace in the Middle East:
Man, A Sandwich Would Hit So Hard Right Now
Iran Starting To Regret Putting ‘Ol’ Blind Mohammed’ In Charge Of Aiming All The Missiles
TEHRAN — As yet another massive bombing attack from Israeli forces rained down on the Iranian capital after the most recent failed wave of retaliatory strikes, sources said the leadership of Iran had started to regret putting "ol’ Blind Mohammed" in charge of aiming all the missiles.
Satan Holds ‘No King Of Kings’ Rally
HELL — The serpent of old, who is called the devil and Satan, held a controversial "No King of Kings" rally for the damned on Saturday.
After Deportations, Mexican Restaurants Forced To Replace Mariachi Bands With Barbershop Quartets
U.S. — The fallout of mass deportations continues to be felt across the country, as Mexican restaurants are being forced to replace mariachi bands with barbershop quartets.
10 New Amendments The Constitution Desperately Needs
Any founding document written in the 1700s could use a little updating, no? Yes, there may have been amendments over the years, but not nearly as many as the country needs.