LONDON — In a protest to make the nation’s democratic process more inclusive, Muslims in the United Kingdom marched to demand that the voting age be lowered to 13 so their wives would be able to vote.
Babylon Bee
Man’s Life Going So Well He Has To Find Stuff On The Internet To Get Angry About
NORTH PLATTE, NE — One local man admitted that everything in his life was going so well lately that he was forced to go find stuff on the internet that he could get angry about.
Israel Levels Sesame Street With Targeted Airstrikes
SESAME STREET — Humans and Muppets were seen fleeing in terror with chaos descending from the skies, as Israel leveled Sesame Street with a series of precisely targeted airstrikes.
Weird But True: Jesus Died For Man Currently Eating Burrito In 2003 Honda Civic
WORLD — Recent reports indicated that Jesus died for sinners all over the planet, including this gentleman who was currently demolishing a Taco Bell Grilled Stuft Burrito, alone in the driver’s seat of his 2003 Honda Civic.
Winning: Trump Announces Mexican Coke Will Now Be Made In America
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another sign of the New Golden Age being ushered in under his administration, President Donald Trump announced that Mexican Coke would now be made in America.
Bible Scholars Now Believe The Seventh Seal In The Book Of Revelation Is The Full Release Of The Epstein List
LONDON — In the wake of recent geopolitical developments, a team of esteemed biblical scholars said they now believe that the seventh seal in the book of Revelation was likely to be the release of the Epstein list.
9 Killer Gifts Your Husband Secretly Wants But Isn’t Telling You
There are certain gifts out there that every man wants, but won’t tell their wives about. Ladies, we’re about to pull back the curtain. Here are nine absolutely killer gifts your husband deeply desires, but will never mention:
Integrity: This Man Says Stupid Things On The Internet And No One Is Paying Him To Do It
BATAVIA, IL — According to sources, local man Carson Fitzgerald is showing the world what true integrity looks like by saying unbelievably stupid things on the internet even though no one is paying him to do so.
Satan Announces Hell’s Game Of The Day Once Again ‘The Floor Is Lava’
SEVENTH CIRCLE, HELL — Satan announced over Hell’s public address system this morning that game of the day would once again be "The Floor Is Lava."
Joe Biden States He Absolutely Would Have Approved All The Presidential Pardons If He Had Known About Them
GREENVILLE, DE — In a rare public appearance after leaving office in January, former President Joe Biden stated that he absolutely would have approved all of his presidential pardons if he had known about them.
Man Who Vowed To Release Epstein Files Berates Idiots For Believing There Are Epstein Files
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After vowing during his campaign to release the Epstein files, President Trump berated supporters as "stupid" and "foolish" for thinking there are Epstein files.
Doctor Reassures Nervous Patient This Procedure Will Make Him Truckload Of Money
RALEIGH, NC — Dr. Will Higgs calmly reassured a nervous young Jessica Thompson today that the procedure he’d be performing on her would make him gobs of cash.
The Resistance Upset As Government Gets Smaller
U.S. — The winds of change in America were met with a new obstacle today, as self-professed members of the "Resistance" were upset to hear that the federal government was getting smaller.
Metadata Shows Epstein Footage Was Edited In ‘Mario Paint’
NEW YORK, NY — In news that sent the social media conspiracy theorist sphere into a frenzy, experts reported that the metadata from the security camera video released by the Department of Justice showed that the footage outside Jeffrey Epstein’s prison cell had been edited using Mario Paint.
Mattel Announces ICE Agent Ken Doll
EL SEGUNDO, CA — In a renewed effort to make inroads with conservative families in the wake of concerns over previous "woke" products, toy manufacturer Mattel announced a new ICE Agent Ken doll.
St. Peter Learning A Lot About The Bible From This John MacArthur Fellow
HEAVEN — Saint Peter is now learning a lot about the Bible from this John MacArthur fellow who just arrived in Heaven this week.
Long Line For Bathroom As There’s Only One Fire Hydrant Outside Furry Convention
DENVER, CO — Logistical challenges quickly presented themselves at a local gathering of alternative lifestyle enthusiasts, as a long line for the bathroom developed because there was only one fire hydrant outside the furry convention.
Newsom Founds Underground Railroad To Help Mexican Kids Travel To Work The Marijuana Farms
SACRAMENTO, CA — An inspiring story emerged amid the ongoing immigration controversy, as Governor Gavin Newsom founded an Underground Railroad to help Mexican kids travel to work on California’s marijuana farms.
Staff Politely Inform JD Vance The Park Is Closing And He’ll Have To Get Off Ariel’s Undersea Adventure Now
ANAHEIM, CA — A moment of awkwardness arose over the weekend, as Disneyland staff had to politely inform JD Vance that the park was closing and he would have to get off Ariel’s Undersea Adventure now.
Biden’s Teleprompter Assures Nation It Approved All Autopen Decisions
WASHINTON, D.C. — Former President Joe Biden’s teleprompter cleared up some recent controversy in a statement it released Monday, stating it personally approved of all the autopen pardons during the Biden presidency."I personally and single-handedly approved every pardon signed by the autopen machine," The teleprompter said in yellow…
Life Hack: Do Whatever Despicable Thing You Want, And When People Call You Out, Just Hit ‘Em With The ‘Judge Not’
Have you ever wanted to put those pesky Christians in their place? Better yet, are you a person who claims to be a Christian, but you want to just live however you want without any accountability or correction from other Christians? An amazing new life hack could do…
Buckle Up, Amigos: Dad Just Put On His Headlamp
Buckle up, Amigos. Things are about to get real up in here.
Justice Roberts Gives KBJ A Magna Doodle To Keep Her Busy During Oral Arguments
WASHINGTON, D.C. — To avoid further controversy over her unorthodox lines of questioning and uninformed opinions on Supreme Court cases, Chief Justice John Roberts reportedly gave Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson a Magnadoodle to keep her busy during oral arguments.
Elmo Leads Division Of Panzers Across Polish Border
SZCZECIN — A Europe that was already on the brink of war seemed poised to boil over into chaos on Monday, as news broke that Elmo had led a division of Panzer tanks across the Polish border.
Bear On California State Flag Moves To Texas
SACRAMENTO, CA — A piece of the Golden State’s heritage was lost today, as the iconic grizzly bear that had adorned the California state flag announced that he had officially moved to Texas.
Trump Honors Gay Community By Attending Soccer Match
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — In what political experts said was a bold move to reach across ideological boundaries, President Donald Trump honored the gay community by attending a soccer match.
150-Pound Jabba The Hut Denies Using Ozempic
TATOOINE — Despite rumors circulating that the infamous gangster had transformed his look with the help of the trendy weight-loss drug, the now 150-pound Jabba the Hutt issued a public statement denying the use of Ozempic.
CNN Marks One-Year Anniversary Of Trump Falling Down After Loud Popping Noises
U.S. — CNN took time out of its broadcast today to mark the one-year anniversary of the time President Trump fell over at a rally after some loud popping noises.
Study Confirms It’s All Steve’s Fault
COLUMBUS, OH — Researchers at The Ohio State University have concluded a decades-long study that confirms once and for all that it really is all Steve’s fault.
Christians Decide To Put Aside Their Petty Differences And Unite For The Gospel (Haha Just Kidding We’re Fighting Each Other Online)
WORLD — Christians across the globe have decided to put aside their petty differences and unite for the greater purpose of sharing the Gospel of Jesus with the world. Just joshing! They’re actually fighting each other online.