AUSTIN, TX — Congressional Democrats announced today that they are very much opposed to electoral gerrymandering up until the time when they will need to do it themselves, at which point they’ll support it again.
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Lex Luthor Reveals To The World That Superman Is A Registered Republican
METROPOLIS — Superman is a registered Republican, as confirmed by LuthorCorp CEO Lex Luthor at a press conference on Monday.
Top 2 Greatest Things About Sydney Sweeney
With all the controversy surrounding actress Sydney Sweeney’s ad campaign for clothing retailer American Eagle, more people than ever are wondering what all the buzz is about.
Taco Yet To Meet Emotional Problem It Couldn’t Solve
LOS ANGELES, CA — Amid growing cases of stress and uncertainty around the world, one source of self-comfort once again was found to be undefeated, as one local taco admitted that it had yet to meet an emotional problem it couldn’t solve.
Scholars Believe David’s Attention Was Captured By Bathsheba’s American Eagle Jeans
JERUSALEM — Recent discoveries through in-depth study of ancient texts provided new insight into a well-known biblical tale, as scholars now believe that King David’s attention was initially captured by Bathsheba’s American Eagle jeans.
Fake Indian Endorses Real Indian
NEW YORK, NY — As the race for mayor of New York intensified, one prominent candidate landed the support of another popular Democrat, as a fake Indian made a public endorsement of a real Indian.
Civilization In Turmoil As Man Fails To Tweet About Thing
SCOTTSBLUFF, NE — Civilization was feared to have been thrown into turmoil after a local man failed to tweet about the current thing.
Texas Begins Construction On Northern Border Wall To Keep Democrat Lawmakers From Returning
TEXHOMA, TX — Democratic lawmakers who fled the state to disrupt a vote on a new congressional redistricting map could soon find themselves out of a job, as Governor Greg Abbott announced the construction of a giant northern border wall designed to keep them out permanently.
Irish President Demands UN Take Military Action To Protect The Shire
DUBLIN — With outcries coming from various circles over humanitarian crises around the world, Irish President Michael Higgins made a stand and demanded that the United Nations take military action to protect the Shire.
Performance Of ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’ Interrupted After Gollum Jumps On Stage
HOLLYWOOD, CA — A production of Jesus Christ Superstar was interrupted today after the creature known as Gollum hopped on stage and grabbed a microphone.
Historians Uncover Hitler Jeans Ad From 1942
BERLIN — Historians have uncovered a blue jeans ad featuring Adolf Hitler from 1942.
Pelosi Vehemently Denies Insider Trading, Says Her Husband Takes Care Of All That
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a heated exchange with CNN’s Jake Tapper, Representative Nancy Pelosi adamantly denied engaging in insider trading, stating that her husband Paul takes care of that.
Congress Postpones Ghislaine Maxwell’s Testimony Until After Her Death
WASHINGTON, D.C. — People hoping to learn any potentially new details from Jeffrey Epstein’s closest associate were disappointed, as news broke late Friday afternoon that Congress had postponed Ghislaine Maxwell’s testimony until after her death.
Doctor Strange Reveals That Across 14 Million Universes, Colbert’s Show Bombs In Every Single One
SANCTUM SANCTORUM — Doctor Stephen Strange has made known the startling revelation that across 14 million universes, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert bombs in every single one.
10 Improvements Trump Is Making To The White House
The addition of a 90,000 square-foot White House State Ballroom marks the first significant expansion to the White House in over 70 years, but President Trump isn’t done yet.
CLICK HERE For An Updated Number Of Corrupt Government Officials Who Have Been Arrested For The Russia Collusion Hoax
We keep this counter updated with every arrest! Check in often to see the latest number!
Awkward: Obama, Hillary Hire Same Hitman To Kill Each Other
U.S. — In an awkward turn of events, former President Barack Obama and former presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton reportedly hired the same hitman to kill each other.
Women’s Parallel Parking Added To 2028 Olympics
LAUSANNE — The upcoming 2028 Olympics in Los Angeles promised to be the most exciting ever with the inclusion of a new event: Women’s Parallel Parking.
Democrats Announce 2028 Campaign Slogan: ‘We Hate Capitalism, Hot Chicks, And The Jews’
U.S. — As preparations geared up for the 2028 presidential election, the Democratic Party unveiled its new campaign slogan of "We Hate Capitalism, Hot Chicks, and the Jews."
France Officially Recognizes Palestinian State, Immediately Surrenders To It
PARIS — In a historic diplomatic milestone, the government of France announced that it was officially recognizing a Palestinian state, and immediately followed it up with an additional announcement that the nation of France had surrendered to it.
Cincinnati Authorities Warn White Visitors Not To Use Their Skulls To Attack Black Fists
CINCINNATI, OH — Local authorities issued a warning advising all white visitors to the city to please make sure they avoid assaulting the fists of black people with their skulls.
Investigation Concludes Trump Is The Only One Who Didn’t Collude With Russia
U.S. — Newly declassified intelligence files revealed that every politician, government official, and political candidate except Donald Trump colluded with Russia in 2016.
Steward Of Gondor Moves To Officially Recognize Mordor As A State
MINAS TIRITH — Denethor II, son of Ecthelion II, the Steward of Gondor, announced plans to officially recognize Mordor as a sovereign state at an upcoming Council of Men.
‘Behold, He Is Not Dead, But Merely Sleeping,’ Pastor Declares Before Waking Harold In Back Pew
LITTLE ROCK, AR — Congregants at a local church were witnesses to a remarkable event, as a man who had been thought to have died was revealed to have only fallen asleep during the pastor’s sermon.
Kamala Announces She Will Step Away From Politics To Spend More Time With Vodka
SACRAMENTO — Former Vice President Kamala Harris officially announced today that she would be stepping away from politics in order to spend more quality time with vodka.
7 Items That Have Become Totally Unaffordable In Trump’s Economy
Inflation may have skyrocketed under Biden, but Trump has also caused massive price increases for several beloved products. Here are seven items that have become totally unaffordable in Trump’s economy:
Christian Parents Decide Portable Porn-Streaming Device Perfect Gift For 13-Year-Old Boy
SANTA CLARITA, CA — Christian parents living in the valley have finally decided that a portable porn-streaming device is the perfect gift for their 13-year old son.
Congress Invites Ghislaine Maxwell To Come Testify Under Dangling Grand Piano
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The world waited anxiously to finally learn more about one of the most widely talked-about conspiracies in recent history, as the U.S. Congress invited Ghislaine Maxwell to come testify under a dangling grand piano.
CNN: White Man In Bronco Leading Police On High-Speed Chase
LOS ANGELES — CNN has reported that a white man driving a Ford Bronco is leading police on a chase all around Los Angeles.
Can You Spot All The Nazi Dog Whistles In This Sydney Sweeney Ad?
We now know American Eagle’s new ad with Sydney Sweeney is fascist propaganda, but you won’t believe how many Nazi dog whistles there are. See how many you can spot in this one picture: