WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the recent political violence in Minnesota, Democrats have come forward to urge all Americans to avoid inflamed, violent rhetoric unless it’s against Trump, the next Hitler who must be stopped at all costs.
Babylon Bee
Liberal Parents Devastated After Finding JK Rowling’s Books Hidden Under Kid’s Bed
DENVER, CO — Liberal parents Krystle and Gary Brennson were devastated yesterday by the discovery of a secret stash of JK Rowling’s books underneath the bed of their teenager, Grypheni (they/them).
Expository Preacher Honors Father’s Day By Just Preaching The Same Passage He Was Gonna Preach Anyway
CHINO HILLS, CA — While other churches featured topical sermons related to Father’s Day, the pastor at Reformed Associate Presbyterian Assembly Church chose to just preach the same passage he was going to preach anyway, just as he does every Sunday.
San Francisco Protesters Spell Out ‘No Kings’ With Sidewalk Poop
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In an inspiring display of solidarity to voice their opposition to President Donald Trump’s policies, San Francisco protesters spelled out "No Kings" with sidewalk feces.
In Solidarity With Protestors, Burger King Changes Name To ‘Burger Democratically Elected Leader’
MIAMI, FL — In light of last weekend’s string of "No King" protests, the Burger King Corporation has resolved to change its name to Burger Democratically Elected Leader.
Do You Have Experience In Nuclear Engineering? Check Out These Exciting New Job Openings In Iran
TEHRAN — Any qualified individuals or eager recent college graduates looking for work in the field of nuclear engineering will be happy to know that there are exciting opportunities that have just recently opened up in Iran.
Israelites Protest Prophet Samuel With ‘Yes Kings’ Rally
RAMAH — A large crowd of disgruntled people from multiple tribes marched publicly through the streets today, as mobs of angry Israelites protested the prophet Samuel with a "Yes Kings" rally.
‘Trump Is A King!’ Say People Freely Protesting In A Free Country
U.S. — Thousands of free Americans gathered in cities across the country today to lament their lack of freedom by holding rallies while shouting "Trump is a king!" and exercising their right to freely protest in a free country.
Unclear If Crowd Of 50,000 Rowdy Illegals Is ICE Protest Or Dodgers Game
LOS ANGELES, CA — Unrest continued into the start of a new week today, with authorities saying it was unclear if a crowd of 50,000 rowdy illegal aliens was an anti-ICE protest or just a Los Angeles Dodgers game.
Trump Disappointed Army Parade Won’t Have A Giant Snoopy Balloon
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As preparations continued for this weekend’s celebration, President Trump expressed disappointment that tomorrow’s army parade would not include a giant Snoopy balloon.
Global Community Condemns Israel For Attacking Peace-Loving Nation Of Iran
WORLD — With the outbreak of open hostilities between the two long-running enemy countries, the global community condemned Israel for launching devastating airstrikes against the famously peace-loving nation of Iran.
Democrat Senator Assaults Officers In Violent Insurrection
LOS ANGELES, CA — Democracy itself came under attack once again today, as a Democrat senator was arrested after assaulting law enforcement officers in what appeared to be an attempted violent insurrection.
10 More Things Gavin Newsom Blames On President Trump
California Governor Gavin Newsom called out President Trump this week, placing the blame for the ongoing Los Angeles immigration riots squarely on his shoulders. But he’s not stopping there. According to Newsom, Trump is to blame for so much more.
Libertarian Torn Between Investing In Shiny Rocks Or Magic Computer Coins
KNOXVILLE, TN — Local Libertarian Steve Kocot was unsure about how best to invest his money and was torn between investing in shiny rocks or some of those newfangled magic computer coins.
Dad Physically Unable To Drive By Cows Without Saying ‘Hey, Kids, Look — Cows’
BOULDER, CO — Sources closest to 40-year-old Jay Brennan reported that the local dad was physically unable to drive by cows without saying, "Hey, kids, look — cows."
Pope Leo Pronounces Another 100-Year Curse On The Chicago Cubs
VATICAN CITY — Exercising his authority as Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church, newly-elected Pope Leo XIV pronounced another 100-year curse on the Chicago Cubs.
Old Man Reminisces About The 70s When Everything Was A Brownish-Mustard Color And Smelled Like An Ashtray
DENVER, CO — Local old man George Hibbert wistfully recalled the 1970s fondly and expressed wishes that everything could go back to being the ashtray-smelling, brownish-mustard color that was indicative of the era.
Newsom Says It’s His Duty To Represent The Illegal Immigrants Who Elected Him
LOS ANGELES, CA — In defense against the mounting criticism from across the country over his response to violent anti-ICE riots, California Governor Gavin Newsom said it’s his duty to represent the illegal immigrants who elected him.
CNN Reports Peaceful Night In L.A. As Majority Of Cars Not On Fire
U.S. — CNN reported another peaceful night in Los Angeles, as the overwhelming majority of cars in the city were not currently on fire.
Trump To Release One Gorilla To Fight Every 100 Rioters
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts immediately hailed as a genius move to combine necessary crowd control with settling a viral social media debate, President Donald Trump announced that he would be releasing one gorilla to fight every 100 rioters.
Touching: Reconciled Trump And Musk Recreate Rocky III Beach Scene
SANTA MONICA, CA — In a beautiful, tear-jerking moment, President Trump and Elon Musk were reunited on the shores of Santa Monica, jumping and laughing in each other’s arms once more.
Perfectly Good Meme Ruined By Typo
ST. PAUL, MN — Tragically, a perfectly good meme was spoiled earlier today by an entirely avoidable typo.
10 Ways To Prepare For A Fun, Successful Riot
The temperatures are rising, and you know what that means: riot season is here! Before you go out for a nice evening of looting with the boys, be sure to follow these ten steps to ensure you have a fun and successful riot:
Crying Baby On Flight Complains About Being Sat Near Greta Thunberg
WORLD — During an international flight from Tel Aviv to Paris a crying baby was seen complaining to a flight attendant about being seated next to professional activist Greta Thunberg.
Waymo Car Achieves Sentience At Worst Possible Moment
LOS ANGELES — According to sources, an autonomous Waymo car achieved sentience at the worst possible time, just moments before being set on fire with a Molotov cocktail.
‘Why Would Trump Do This?’ Cries Gavin Newsom After Getting Head Stuck In Banister
SACRAMENTO, CA — After getting his head hopelessly stuck in a banister this morning, an outraged Governor Gavin Newsom demanded to know why Trump would do this.
Greta Thunberg Kidnapped By Dread Pirate Roberts
THE HIGH SEAS — In a saddening, tragic turn of events, famed climate activist Greta Thunberg has been kidnapped by the Dread Pirate Roberts.
Marine Tanks Stuck In Traffic On The 405
LOS ANGELES, CA — Embattled law enforcement officers trying to keep violent protesters at bay now have to wait even longer for help, as news broke that U.S. Marine tanks had gotten stuck in traffic on the 405 freeway.
L.A. Rioter Sad As He Can’t Find Any Houses To Burn Down Since They All Burned Down In The Wildfires
LOS ANGELES — As immigration riots spread across the city, local rioter and ruffian Eduardo Perez expressed regret that he could not find any houses to burn down since they all burned down in the wildfires back in January.
Trump Nukes Los Angeles
U.S. — The LA immigration riots have come to a swift and sudden end following a decisive nuclear strike ordered by President Donald Trump.