When reporting on crime, it’s of paramount importance that journalists adhere to a strict code of ethics, which involves using AP-approved inclusionary terms to identify assailants of indeterminate gender. For example, if a person shoots and kills someone, and you can’t readily discern their gender, try identifying them…
Babylon Bee
Trump Orders Drone Strike On Venezuelan Olympic Cross-Country Skier
TESERO — Venezuelan cross-country skier Nicolas Claveau-Laviolette was blown off the course on Thursday in what appeared to be a drone strike conducted by the United States military at the direct order of President Donald Trump.
Elon Confirms Mars Voyage Delayed Again After ‘Diablo II’ Update
AUSTIN, TX — Humanity’s voyage to Mars suffered a significant delay following an admission by SpaceX CEO Elon Musk that he just learned of a new update to Diablo II: Resurrected, and he would be quite busy playing that for the next few years.
Bible Authors Admit They Were Paid $7K For Every Reference To Israel
HEAVEN — In a shocking revelation that falls in line with a common suspicion online over the last year, several of the men who authored books of the Bible finally admitted that they were all paid $7,000 for every reference they made to Israel.
Kid Rock’s ‘Bawitdaba’ Added To Hymnals
U.S. — Following his inspiring appearance at TPUSA’s All-American Halftime Show and increased popularity among Christian conservatives, musician Kid Rock was notified that his 1999 hit song "Bawitdaba" would be added to hymnals in churches across the country.
Fraud Suspicions Arise As Somali Team Wins 734th Gold Medal At Winter Olympics
MILAN — Somalia’s Olympic delegation raised eyebrows and suspicions of fraud this week after winning the country’s 734th gold medal at the 2026 Milano Cortina Winter Olympics.
Democrats Counter With STEAL Act To Ban Voter ID
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With debate ongoing over the Republican-proposed SAVE Act to shore up U.S. election integrity, Democrat lawmakers countered by proposing their own legislation, the STEAL Act, to ban voter ID in elections.
9 Simple Fixes To Make The Winter Olympics More Interesting
The Winter Olympics have long labored in the shadows of the Summer Olympics, boring and under-loved. With just half the viewership of the Summer games, the Winter Olympics is in dire need of bold changes. Here are 9 easy fixes to instantly make it more entertaining:
Winter Olympics Introduces Exciting New Event ‘Septuple Luge’
MILAN — In a move designed to boost the level of interest from viewers and athletes alike, the 2026 Milano-Cortina Winter Olympics introduced an exciting new event in the Septuple Luge competition.
Canadian Reporterperson Announces Policepersons Have Identified Gunperson
VANCOUVER — Canadian reporterpersons announced that policepersons have confirmed the identify of the gunperson in Tumbler Ridge.