MOUNT CARMEL — The demon known as "Baal" returned from a bathroom break only to find all of 450 of his prophets dead.
Babylon Bee
New Polls Show Dead Heat Between ‘Make Everything Worse’ Candidate And ‘Fix Everything’ Candidate
U.S. — New polling data in an ongoing political race showed a dead heat between the "Make Everything Worse" candidate and the "Fix Everything" candidate.
Father Gathers Loved Ones To Break The News That He’s Getting Really Into The Civil War
BANGOR, ME — Local dad David Kemp gathered his family together today to break the news to them that he’s getting really into the American Civil War.
Smart Man Saves Time By Getting Angry Now Instead Of Waiting Until All The Facts Are Known
ALTOONA, PA — Local man Ted Woods got tired of all the time spent getting angry online. "There’s always something new to get angry at each day," Woods said. "And you never know what time the facts will come out confirming the need to get angry — it…
Data Center Built In Theodore Roosevelt’s Head
KEYSTONE, SD — In a historic victory for American infrastructure, the Department of the Interior announced the successful installation of a 50,000-square-foot data center within Mt. Rushmore that can be accessed through Teddy Roosevelt’s mustache.
London Mayor Confused By Protesters Not Chanting ‘Death To Jews’
LONDON — London Mayor Sadiq Khan was deeply confused by protests over the weekend where no one was shouting "Death To Jews."
Associated Press Warns That Trebuchets Are Exempt From U.S. Gun Laws
U.S. — The Associated Press has warned that despite their deadly nature, medieval trebuchets are mostly exempt from firearm regulations in the United States.
Uncultured Philistine Declines To Have Ice Cream Served In Waffle Cone
TUCSON, AZ — Local man Dale Swanson declined to have his double scoops of mint chocolate chip and strawberry ice cream served in a delicious waffle cone, instead opting to have it in a blasphemous paper cup instead.
Kids Excited To Learn Of Cool Alternative To Vaping Called ‘Smoking Cigarettes’
U.S. — Teenagers across the nation are discovering a hip new alternative to vaping, called "smoking cigarettes."
Millennial Figures Out How To Use ‘6-7,’ Signaling The End Of The Fad
FT. WORTH, TX — Local millennial Chad McCallister finally figured out how to appropriately use "6-7" in casual conversation, thus effectively ending the popularity of the fad.