SAN DIEGO, CA — The San Diego Padres organization is reportedly concerned about local sports fan Lonny Philbin for being more invested in the success of the team than even the actual players.
Babylon Bee
China Visit Off To Rough Start After Trump Demands To Negotiate Directly With General Tso
BEIJING — Diplomatic talks between the United States and China reportedly got off to an awkward start after President Donald Trump demanded to negotiate directly with General Tso.
‘The View’ Announces All-New Cast Of Angry, Middle-Aged Women
U.S. — Longtime daytime talk show "The View" has announced that next season will feature an all-new cast of angry middle-aged women.
In Spite Of Novelty Sign, God Declines To Bless This Mess
TAMPA, FL — Heavenly sources have announced that the Almighty has declined to "Bless This Mess" in spite of the presence of a novelty sign requesting that He do so.
WebMD Adds Convenient ‘Draft My Last Will And Testament’ Option
U.S. — As part of ongoing efforts to empower the patient, medical website WebMD has added a convenient "Draft My Last Will And Testament" option for users researching their symptoms.
Dems Accuse Spencer Pratt Of Not Wanting To Destroy California
LOS ANGELES, CA — Democrats have unleashed vicious attack ads accusing L.A. mayoral candidate Spencer Pratt of not wanting to destroy the state of California.
Karen Bass Endorsed By California Wildfires
LOS ANGELES, CA — Mayor Karen Bass received a glowing endorsement from California wildfires over the weekend, with thousands of acres of burned timber throwing their support behind Bass’s re-election campaign.
Woman Healed Of Liberalism After Touching Golden Trump Statue
MIAMI, FL — A newly christened golden statue of President Donald Trump may have healing powers, as sources confirmed a woman who had touched it was miraculously healed of her liberalism.
What Luck! Dr. Fauci Announces He’s Been Working On Hantavirus Vaccine This Whole Time
ROCKVILLE, MD — Hantavirus has quickly become the biggest viral threat to humanity since COVID and as luck would have it, Dr. Fauci has announced that he has been working on a hantavirus vaccine this entire time. How convenient!
Ew, A Gross Disgusting Bug — What, Why Did You Kill It, YOU MONSTER! — Op-Ed By Wife
You won’t believe what my husband just did. There was this horrible looking bug — I don’t know what it was, but it had LEGS and a BODY and I swear it was going to maybe crawl on me. It was in the garage, but it could have…