Sure, the calendar may still read "2025," but the 2028 presidential primary season will be here before you know it. While big names like Gavin Newsom, Kamala Harris, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez grab all the headlines, there are other Democratic candidates making waves behind the scenes.
Babylon Bee
Universal Studios Hollywood Unveils Long-Awaited ‘Scent Of A Woman’ Land
UNIVERSAL CITY, CA — Universal Studios Hollywood officially broke ground Tuesday on a new themed land at its popular theme park based on hit 1992 film Scent of a Woman.
Federal Judge Orders Sydney Sweeney To Gain 100 Pounds And Get One Of Those Butch Haircuts
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Clothing retailer American Eagle’s new advertising campaign hit an unexpected obstacle today, as a federal judge ordered actress and new brand spokeswoman Sydney Sweeney to gain 100 pounds and get an ugly butch haircut.
Man With Strong Urge To Eat Wicker Basket Settles For Triscuit Instead
GRAND RAPIDS, MI — After experiencing a strong urge to eat a wicker basket, a man has decided to settle for the similarly rough texture and bland flavor of Triscuit snack crackers instead.
Cincinnati Police Chief Asks Citizens Not To Film Crimes Next Time As It Makes Her Look Bad
CINCINNATI, OH — Friday’s violent mob-style attack took social media by storm over the weekend, forcing Chief of Police Teresa Theetge to call a press conference in which she asked citizens not to film violent crimes because it makes her look bad.
American Eagle Apologizes, Replaces Sydney Sweeney With Fat Transgender Double-Amputee Of Color
PITTSBURGH, PA — Social justice warriors scored another victory today, as retail chain American Eagle issued a public apology and replaced Sydney Sweeney in its ad campaign with a fat, transgender double amputee of color.
Trump Secures 15% Tariff On Extra ‘U’ In British Spelling
U.S. — President Trump has reportedly finalized a new trade deal with the United Kingdom, securing a 15% tariff on the extra "U" in British words.
Palestinians Leave Israeli Aid A 3-Star Yelp Review
GAZA — Dissatisfied with the level of humanitarian assistance provided by Israel amid the ongoing conflict with Hamas, Palestinians collectively left the Israeli aid a lackluster 3-star Yelp review.
10 Things More Popular Than Democrats Right Now
According to a new national poll, approval ratings for the Democratic Party are at their lowest point in over 30 years, making some surprising things more popular among voters.
Man’s Comedic Genius Wasted On Grocery Store Cashier
DENVER, CO — Local man Grant Henderson reported disappointment once again at having his sharp wit and keen sense of humor completely wasted on the cashier checking out his groceries.