SILVER SPRING, MD — An abjectly sinful four-month-old baby appeared to pay no attention whatsoever to the sermon at Bethel Lutheran Church this morning.
Babylon Bee
SUCCESS: After Weekend Of ‘No Kings’ Protests, America Will Now Still Not Have Any Kings
U.S. — The countrywide "No Kings" protests are being hailed as an unmitigated success as after two days of rallies, America still does not have any kings.
Greta Thunberg Says Israel Put A Noose On Her And Yelled, ‘This Is Bagel Country!’
ATHENS — Activist Greta Thunberg told reporters today that Israel put a noose on her, dumped bleach on her hair, and shouted, "This is bagel country!"
‘King Trump – I Like The Sound Of That,’ Says Trump After Hearing About ‘No Kings’ Protest
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump stated that he actually kind of liked the ring of "King Trump" after hearing the term for the first time at Saturday’s "No Kings" protest.
Millions Gather To Express Total Ignorance About Political System
U.S. — Millions of Americans took to the streets today in order to express to the world their total and absolute ignorance about the political system they live in.
RFK Orders Airstrike On Cargo Ship Full Of Tylenol
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of HHS Robert F. Kennedy Jr. ordered an airstrike on a cargo ship full of Tylenol attempting to reach the American coast.
‘How Long, O Lord, Will The Wicked Prosper?’ Asks Nation As Dodgers Advance To World Series
U.S. — Baseball fans across the country rent their garments and cried out in anguish tonight, asking the Almighty God how long they must suffer after the Los Angeles Dodgers swept the Milwaukee Brewers to once again advance to the World Series.
Family Excited To Get New Inkjet Printer That Will Work Flawlessly For First Six Hours And Then Never Again
SCRANTON, PA — The upcoming weekend promised to be a fun one for one local family, as they were excited to get a new inkjet printer that would work flawlessly for the first six hours and then never again.
9 More Movies & Shows Coming Soon From Daily Wire
The Daily Wire is stepping into the world of live-action television with The Pendragon Cycle, an ambitious adaptation of Stephen R. Lawhead’s popular fantasy novels. But show runner and former Daily Wire CEO Jeremy Boreing isn’t stopping there.
Church Organist Adds Blistering 10-Minute Organ Solo To ‘A Mighty Fortress Is Our God’
JONESBORO, AK — Services at a local Lutheran church were reportedly disrupted this week when the church organist added a blistering 10-minute organ solo to "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God."