BLOOMINGTON, IL — Neighbors were impressed by local man Marcus Hardwick, who took the time to pass on generational knowledge to his son about how to change your car’s oil yourself, so it will take longer and cost more.
Babylon Bee
12 Million Charlie Kirks Created Overnight
U.S. — Experts revealed that an estimated 12 million new Charlie Kirks had been created overnight following the murder of the conservative echelon earlier this week. The army of Charlie Kirks was said to be uniformly committed to continuing the original Kirk’s message and mission of hope and…
Heaven Confirms Pastors Are Allowed To Speed On Way To Church
HEAVEN — According to heavenly sources, church pastors are officially exempt from all posted speeding limits and well within their rights to speed on the way to church.
Democrats Say There’s No Place For Violence Against Evil Nazi Republicans That Are Literally Killing People And Destroying America
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Several prominent Democrats issued statements this week, condemning the recent assassination of a man who shared his opinion by saying there is absolutely no place for violence against evil Nazi Republicans who are literally killing people and destroying America.
Report: Fathers Hugging Their Kids Tighter Today
U.S. — In the face of what seems at times to be overwhelming darkness, a new report suggested that millions of fathers throughout the country would be hugging their kids tighter today.
‘Why Won’t Conservatives Give Up Their Guns?’ Ask The People Shooting At Them
U.S. — A new poll suggested ongoing confusion as to why conservatives won’t give up their guns among those who keep shooting at them.
Democrats Condemn Violence They Incited
U.S. — Hours after the brutal assassination of conservative activist Charlie Kirk, Democrats rushed to forcefully condemn all the violence they incited.
World Deemed Unworthy Of Charlie Kirk
HEAVEN — Charlie Kirk, faithful follower and witness of Jesus Christ, has been welcomed home to enter into the joy of his Lord.
Cities Put Daniel Penny Scarecrows On Subways To Deter Crime
U.S. — Cities across the United States are placing Daniel Penny scarecrows around municipal transportation to scare off would-be criminals.
Termites Excited As Cool Tent Placed Over House
TALLAHASSEE, FL — Termites in a home on 54th street were excited this morning as a shiny yellow and red tent was placed over the house they’ve been living in.