DENVER, CO — Authorities issued a public service announcement warning citizens to avoid smoking marijuana because it could lead to attending Colorado Rockies games.
Babylon Bee
Annual Wikipedia Fundraiser Says For Just $2.75 You Can Help Them Censor Truth
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Internet users were given another rare opportunity to play a role in the dissemination of agenda-driven misinformation, as the annual Wikipedia fundraiser said that for just $2.75, they could help censor the truth.
Greta Thunberg Reports Flotilla Struck By Jewish Space Laser
MEDITERRANEAN SEA — The international community is calling for investigations after Greta Thunberg reported that her humanitarian flotilla had suffered an unprovoked attack from a Jewish Space Laser.
7 Radical Ideas To Make Our Cities Safer
With violent crime continuing to plague American cities, the time has come for truly radical measures. Here are seven ideas for extreme changes to make our cities safer:
Tough-On-Crime Democrats Propose ‘100 Strikes And You’re Out’ Law
U.S. — Facing heavy criticism for going easy on violent criminals, a group of Democrats sought to prove that they are tough on crime by proposing a bold new "100 Strikes and You’re Out" law.
Trump Calms World By Assuring Nothing Bad Has Ever Happened After Dictator Invades Poland
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump calmed an anxious world today with assurances that nothing bad has ever happened in the wake of a vicious dictator invading Poland.
Entire City Of Ninevah Repents As Jonah Plays Stirring Rendition Of ‘Softly And Tenderly’ On Piano
NINEVAH — Eyewitnesses from Ninevah report that the entire wretched, depraved city was convicted and led to repent of its sin as Jonah quietly played the piano.
Trump Deports Phillies Karen To El Salvador Prison
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump announced the immediate deportation of the infamous "Phillies Karen," a woman who complained until a baseball was taken from a child, to an El Salvador Prison.
Navy Airdrops Public Defender Onto Drug Boat To Give Cartel Members Due Process
GULF OF MEXICO — In a compromise intended to silence critics of the Trump Administration’s aggressive stance against drug traffickers, the U.S. Navy airdropped a public defender onto a drug boat to give cartel members due process.
Parents Meeting With Teacher Shocked To Learn How Responsible, Respectful, And Kind Their Child Is While At School
RACINE, WI — Jim and Linda Stevenson were in for a shock at this year’s teachers’ meetings when their son’s third-grade teacher informed them of how responsible, respectful, and kind their child was while at school.