CHICAGO, IL — City officials were relieved to get some unexpectedly positive news following the holiday weekend, as Chicago shootings were reportedly down, as the guy who keeps track of all the shootings got shot.
Babylon Bee
English Bobbies Race Past 5 Stabbings To Tackle Offensive Social Media Poster
LONDON — In a courageous display of British defense of law and order, English bobbies were seen racing past five stabbings to tackle an offensive social media poster.
Ghost Of Beethoven Overjoyed To Hear Magnum Opus In Toothpaste Commercial
U.S. — One of the world’s most revered musical geniuses was heard from for the first time in nearly two centuries, as the ghost of Ludwig van Beethoven expressed tremendous joy after hearing his magnum opus being used in a toothpaste commercial.
Hamas Terrorists Distance Selves From Greta Thunberg
GAZA — Following news that the diminutive eco-geopolitical activist was once again planning to set sail to arrive in support of the Palestinian cause, Hamas terrorists released an official statement distancing themselves from Greta Thunberg.
Dallas Cowboys Invoke 25th Amendment On Jerry Jones
DALLAS, TX — The Dallas Cowboys organization has officially moved to invoke the 25th amendment in order to remove owner Jerry Jones from power.
The Babylon Bee Updated Guide To Christian Lingo
Christians, you might have noticed, have their own unique way of talking that can seem like a completely different language. To help you translate, the Babylon Bee has compiled this handy updated guide to Christian phrases:
Congregation’s Men Hit By Sudden Wave Of Allergies During Singing Of ‘Old Rugged Cross’
TOMBALL, TX — A sudden, inexplicable wave of allergies struck the men of Redeemer Church this morning during the singing of "Old Rugged Cross".
Kamala Harris Last Seen Fleeing Dozens Of International Assassins After Trump Cancels Her Secret Service Protection
LOS ANGELOS, CA — Following President Trump’s recent cancellation of Kamala Harris’ Secret Service protection, the former Vice-President was seen fleeing dozens of international assassins.
Pastor Asks Drummer To Stop Adding The ‘In The Air Tonight’ Drum Fill To Every Worship Song
IRVINE, CA — The pastor of Lord’s Vine Church has reportedly taken the lead drummer from their praise team aside and formally warned him to stop adding the drum fill from Phil Collins’ "In the Air Tonight" to every worship song.
Man Not Sure If Wife Already In Pajamas Or Still In Pajamas
AMARILLO, TX — After local man Jeremy Long got home from work a little early on Thursday he was greeted by a wife wearing pajamas, forcing him to consider whether or not she was "already" in pajamas or "still" in pajamas.