UKRAINE — Following constructive talks about ending their war, the leaders of Russia and Ukraine have reportedly reached a new type of truce where they keep bombing each other indefinitely.
Babylon Bee
Newsom Announces He Is Anti-Crime Until Next Election
SACRAMENTO, CA — Gavin Newsom’s poll numbers have skyrocketed after he recently announced that he will be anti-crime until the next election.
Ms. Frizzle’s Class Fails Reading After Spending The Year Shrunk Down In Some Guy’s Blood Instead Of Learning To Read
WALKERVILLE — Students at Walkerville Elementary School will reportedly be held back a year after it came to light that their teacher, Ms. Valerie Frizzle, shrank them down to miniature size to spend the year in some guy’s blood instead of teaching them to read.
Study Finds Women Invented Rompers To Make Other Women Look Stupid
LOS ANGELES, CA — A groundbreaking scientific study discovered that women first invented rompers to make other women look stupid.
RFK Jr. Vows To Make Sure Chemtrails No Longer Contain Seed Oils
U.S. — Health Secretary RFK Jr promised to make Americans healthier by ordering a thorough review of airline chemtrails to ensure that they don’t contain any seed oils.
10 Surefire Ways To Get Out Of Debt Fast
If you have a crushing burden of debt weighing down your life, you need to get out fast. But how?
Waiter Flips Coin To See If He’s Going To Annoyingly Check In On You Every 3 Minutes Or Never Come Back To Your Table Again
TACOMA, WA — Local waiter Jesse Carter flipped a coin Wednesday night to determine if he was going to go check on his patrons every five minutes or take their orders and never come back to their table ever again.
New ‘Clue’ Board Game For Liberals Just Has You Blame The Murder Weapon
U.S. — Hasbro Gaming announced that it was expanding its board game library with a brand-new version of Clue, where you blame the murder weapon and never solve any crimes. Clue: Liberal Edition was being called the most interesting update in years for the popular game.
Trump Unveils ‘Wheel Of Random Country You Get Deported To’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of his ongoing efforts to expedite the deportation of illegal aliens, President Donald Trump introduced an official "Wheel of Random Country You Get Deported To" that he can spin to figure out where he’s sending people.
Britain Announces Reverse Crusade Where They Invite Muslims To Come And Destroy England
LONDON — In what political analysts described as a historic turning point for Western Civilization, Great Britain announced a "Reverse Crusade" where they invite Muslims to come and destroy England.