WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a muted display of mourning, a group of somber Democrats commemorated the unprecedented streak of 10 murder-free days in Washington, D.C.
Babylon Bee
Mayorship Of New York To Be Awarded To First Candidate Who Can Bench Press The Bar
NEW YORK CITY — New York City has moved to adopt a new system whereby the mayorship will be awarded to the first candidate who can bench press the bar.
Trump Orders Visa Review Of Anyone With One Of Those Squiggly Line N’s In Their Name
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of the administration’s ongoing effort to remove illegal immigrants, President Trump has ordered the visa status reviewed of anyone with one of those weird "squiggly line n’s" in their name.
Friend Group Recruits Baptist So As To Always Have Designated Driver
AMARILLO, TX — A group of local friends has recruited a Baptist girl so as to always have a designated driver.
Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility For Cracker Barrel Logo Change
KABUL — In a newly released video, the terrorist group Al-Qaeda has claimed responsibility for the changing of the Cracker Barrel logo.
‘No, I Didn’t Eat Any Of That Walmart Shrimp,’ Says Husband Glowing Neon Green
TUCSON, AZ — Local husband Ryan Masterson denied having consumed any radioactive Walmart shrimp, though his wife had her doubts due to his entire body emitting a soft neon green glow.
10 Most Shocking Discoveries From The John Bolton FBI Raid
The Maryland home of former National Security Advisor John Bolton was raided by government agents today, leaving the public wondering what the FBI was looking for — and what they found.
ESPN Reminds Nation Watching Women’s Basketball Is Mandatory
BRISTOL, CT — ESPN hosts reminded the nation Friday that watching women’s basketball games is a mandatory activity strictly enforced by the governing authorities.
California Fines Family For Building Sandcastle Without Coastal Commission Approval
OCEANSIDE, CA — A family’s beach trip ended in disaster after they were cited by a state official for building a sand castle together without prior authorization from the California Coastal Commission.
Waffle House Unveils Successful Brand Strategy Of Just Keeping Everything The Same Forever
NORCROSS, GA — Following the public relations disaster Cracker Barrel experienced this week after it introduced its new logo, popular restaurant chain Waffle House unveiled a successful strategy of just keeping everything the same forever.