NEW MEXICO — The government-funded Black Mesa Research Facility is currently in danger of being shut down after being hit with yet another OSHA violation.
Babylon Bee
John Bolton Eludes FBI By Blending Into A Herd Of Walruses
BETHESDA, MD — Federal agents raided the home of former National Security Advisor John Bolton on Friday as part of a security probe involving classified documents. Unfortunately, the whereabouts of Bolton were currently unknown, as it was believed that he escaped by blending in with a nearby herd…
Meet Hannah, The New Fully Clothed And Chaste A.I. Assistant From The Babylon Bee
Unsure about which of the myriad A.I. assistants out there is right for you? Try Hannah, the new fully clothed and chaste A.I. assistant from The Babylon Bee.
Peacemaker: Trump Negotiates Historic Truce Between IPhone And Android Users
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Continuing his string of pulling off peace treaties that many thought to be impossible, President Donald Trump announced that he had successfully negotiated a historic truce between iPhone and Android users.
College Graduate $200k In Debt Celebrates New Minimum-Wage Job By Shopping For A $750k One-Bedroom Home At 20% Interest
FRANKLIN, TN — According to sources, a local Gen Z college graduate who was now $200,000 in debt with a minimum wage job was celebrating by shopping for a new $750,000 home at 20% interest.
10 Surefire Ways To Lose Your Man Card
The world needs men. Sadly, however, many men are shirking their God-given responsibilities these days to live like little fancy boys.
Trump Orders Smithsonian To Display Exhibit Of Old Cracker Barrel Logo
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of his comprehensive overhaul of America’s national museums, President Donald Trump ordered the Smithsonian to display an exhibit of the now-defunct Cracker Barrel logo.
Introvert Bites Down On Cyanide Capsule As Waiters Start Singing ‘Happy Birthday’ To Him
RIVERDALE, UT — A tragic scene ensued last night, as an introvert bit down on a cyanide capsule at his own birthday dinner as soon as the waiters started singing "Happy Birthday" to him.
Announcement: The Bee Is Excited To Unveil Our New Logo
U.S. — Times change, and we must change with them. That was the philosophy that prompted us to update our company logo to remove anything that could be construed as appealing or exciting.
‘We Don’t Have Money In The Budget To Tithe,’ Says Family Currently Spending 30k/Year On Travel Baseball
LAKE FOREST, CA — According to local man Todd Lyons, there’s simply no room in the budget for his family to tithe as they are already having to spend $30,000 a year on travel baseball for their 10-year-old son.