INGOT ISLE — According to sources, the ape known as Donkey Kong is certain collecting another banana will fill the God-shaped hole in his heart.
Babylon Bee
Metropolis Sues Superman For Reducing Crime
METROPOLIS — A new scandal threatened to arise between governing officials and Earth’s greatest superhero, as Metropolis sued Superman for being far too effective in reducing crime in the city.
New Phone For Introverts Doesn’t Have A Call Function
U.S. — Samsung has released a new phone designed specifically for introverts which has no call function whatsoever.
Man Still Not Understanding Bible Verse Despite Author Writing ‘Let The Reader Understand’
TOPEKA, KS — Local man Chris Hampton remained terribly confused about the meaning of a Bible verse despite the Biblical author having written "Let the reader understand."
Ukraine Raises Alarm As Trump Emerges From Meeting Wearing Soviet Ushanka
KYIV — Ukraine government officials sounded the alarm today after President Trump emerged from his meeting with Putin sporting a beautiful Soviet ushanka.
Highschool Freshman Disappointed There Isn’t An Affable Loner Around On First Day Of School To Point Out Which Tables In The Lunch Room Various Social Groups Sit At
SAN DIMAS, CA-Local high school freshman Pete Slater expressed disappointment this week as he was unable to locate an affable, slightly goth loner who could show him around the school cafeteria and point out where various social groups sit.
Scholars Now Believe Samson Slew 1,000 Philistines With A 6-inch Italian B.M.T.
WORLD — Old Testament scholars announced today that new evidence has revealed Samson actually slew one thousand Philistines with a 6-inch Italian B.M.T. on wheat.
Disaster Strikes As Trump Accidentally Rips Putin’s Arm Off With Macho Handshake
ANCHORAGE, AK — Peace negotiations to end the war in Ukraine were reportedly off to a bad start after President Donald Trump accidentally ripped Russian President Vladimir Putin’s arm off with a super macho handshake.
Dad Fussy After Missing His Afternoon Nap
REDMOND, OR — A lost afternoon nap threatened to ruin the entire day of local dad Stephen Hearst, who was now clinically fussy, sources said.
Beyond Meat In Financial Trouble After Public Learns Real Meat Exists
EL SEGUNDO, CA — Shareholders were briefed at an emergency meeting to address swirling rumors, as vegetarian alternative manufacturer Beyond Meat was reportedly in financial trouble after the public learned that real meat exists.