ESCONDIDO, CA — According to sources, local man Randy Rivera was disappointed to discover that wearing his favorite sports team’s shirt apparently served as an open invitation for any random stranger to talk to him.
Babylon Bee
11 New Artifacts Trump Ordered The Smithsonian To Display
In addition to ordering a comprehensive review of the Smithsonian museums to root out "wokeness," President Donald Trump has reportedly provided the institutions with a list of new items to display instead.
Man Tells Subway Worker He’s Looking For Something With Stopping Power That’s Compact And Easy To Conceal
WASHINGTON, D.C. — An unidentified man at a local Subway location was seen asking the Sandwich Artist on duty if they had a sandwich that has good stopping power that’s also compact and easy to conceal.
JB Pritzker Joins Police Force In Hopes Of Getting Sandwich Thrown At Him
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Illinois Governor JB Pritzker reportedly joined the fray as a law enforcement officer in the nation’s capital in hopes of getting a sandwich thrown at him.
10 Telltale Signs Of Dangerous Authoritarianism
In case you haven’t already heard, you’re living in an oppressive, authoritarian dictatorship now. Don’t believe it? It’s easy to see once you know what to look for.
Renaissance Artist Finishes Masterpiece That Will One Day Be Great Training Data For AI
ROME — Renaissance artist Vicente De Antonio put the finishing touches on a new painting that he hoped would someday be used to train AI on how to recreate Renaissance paintings.
Federal Court Requires Nuns To Start Worshiping Molech
PHILADELPHIA, PA — In a landmark ruling that was sure to have far-reaching consequences, a federal court ruled that a group of Catholic nuns would be immediately required to start worshiping Molech.
Gavin Newsom Vows To Double California’s Violent Crime If Trump Doesn’t Stop Cleaning Up D.C.
SACRAMENTO, CA — In his ongoing public sparring with the administration over its agenda, Governor Gavin Newsom vowed to double California’s violent crime rate if President Donald Trump refused to stop cleaning up Washington, D.C.
Trump Heads to Alaska to Negotiate Historic Truce Between Humans, Bears
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump departed the White House today, with Air Force One scheduled to touch down at Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson (JBER) ahead of a historic meeting to broker a truce between humans and bears.
Adam Schiff Worried Legal Troubles Will Make It Hard For Him To Afford His Upcoming Head Reduction Surgery
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of a whistleblower’s claim that he approved the leaking of classified information in an attempt to take down President Donald Trump, Senator Adam Schiff expressed worry that his legal troubles would make it hard for him to afford his upcoming head reduction…